jess speaks french

2010-04-09T21:23:00.002+10:00

i think i'm just going to cry
and hide underneath my desk
until the mid sem is over.
that seems like an appropriate study technique.
and chocolate will be involved.
endorphins and caffeine.

...i think i'm going to fail

2010-03-11T22:38:00.003+11:00

if it can fit on a flashcard,
it can be learnt.
even if you've made 650 of them.
in less than two weeks.
remind me why i study medicine
again, please? i'm losing my mind.
only one month, eight days until
mid-sem exam. insert panic here.
oh well. it's not as if i have a life
outside of uni and work anyway.

... i need sleep. i'm getting as many
hours sleep as i have contact hours.
no wonder my endorphin levels
are very dangerously low.
or maybe it's because i'm listening
to an anthem of self-hatred.
on repeat, in a totally non-
metaphorical way. (waltz moore,
from first to last. perfect psych
case study.)

but back to work i dash!

2010-03-07T20:38:00.003+11:00

you're a stupid douchebag.
a stupid, idiotic, anatomy-
obsessing nerd dickhead.
we're playing some ridiculous
game of pushing each other
away and i'm tired. really,
really tired. consider this my
resignation. you've won, if you
call this winning. take your walls
and construct them elsewhere; i
can't break them down.

...i'm totally ignoring the fact you
give me AF and make me smile.

i just haven't met you yet <3

2009-12-29T13:51:00.007+11:00

wow. six months without an update.
epic fail, jess.

things i have learnt these holidays:
1. listening to michael buble and taylor swift is not conducive to being single.
2. procrastinating in summer is rather sad.
3. buying a gym membership does not necessarily mean you go.
4. check the opening times of the aforementioned gym BEFORE you go to avoid looking like an idiot.
5. email on 3 is ridiculous and ensures that proper sleep is impossible.
6. the med faculty is screwed. but we already knew that one.
7. shopping can be painful.
8. so can being awake at two am in the morning just thinking about someone.
9. the closer you get to the future, the harder the past hits you.
10. sugar and tea is a bad combination.

gotta say, i am a genius.
a genius with 60,000 words to edit and another 60,000 to write.
wonderful.

2009-06-21T18:57:00.002+10:00

i have decided that
i am the single, most pathetic
person that i know.
which is a pretty mean feat
when you consider that most
of my friends are med nerds.

and the worst part is
i wouldn't change
how i feel right now
for anything.

...yeah, i suck.

2009-06-16T14:06:00.003+10:00

this song is pretty funny.
sos by the jo bros.
i don't think that that was their intention.
but it makes me giggle.
which is a nice break from my tori amos binge.
her songs are just a little depressing.
but you know.
i probably shouldn't be listening to them on repeat,
yet it complements the pharmacology i'm doing
so very, very well.

i really should be studying.
but my god, i'm over it.
as usual, my mind's elsewhere.
quel surpris.

'next time i see you,
i'm giving you a high-five
because hugs are overrated
just fyi.'

tell me that that didn't make you smile.
bubblegum pop ftmfw.

anywho, other random discoveries.
a new element (no. 112)
and supersized black holes.
oh, and the potential fatal
crash of earth and venus.
AND YOU THOUGHT CHEM AND ASTROPHYSICS
WEREN'T RELEVANT.
it's more freaking relevant than
the percentage by which
your risk of prostate cancer decreases
if you are over 65, male
and exercise for three hours a week.
(33%, fyi.)

...yeah, there goes oncology as
a specialisation. BYE.

back to the study den
pour moi, donc, au revoir.

2009-06-10T15:48:00.002+10:00

i got my plc reunion invitation today.
i may burn it.
or i may go, get wasted on free drinks
and start telling the truth.
oh, that would be fun.

regardless, i'm quite annoyed
over the grimshaw-ramsey argument.
no because i give a fuck about
either one of them.
it's just that they use 'lesbian'
like it's an unattractive quality.
you can't change your sexuality
just like you can't change your ethnicity
(unless you're mj)
and you can't change who you are.
so shouldn't we be promoting awareness
and tolerance?
the catholic church doesn't have power anymore
so why are we still under their rule?
or maybe we should start using 'straight'
as an insult. that might do something.

that's my little rant for the day.

2009-05-30T17:45:00.002+10:00

i only just realised this
but i really don't like you at all.
AND IT ONLY TOOK ME
SEVEN YEARS TO FIGURE OUT.
i constantly astound myself
with my own brilliance.

apart from that
i'm sick.
possibly because, for the FIRST time
in my life, i'm studying and working
and having some sort of social life.
time management much?
yeah, i'm kinda awesome.

and i'm actually semi-enjoying
medicine now.
it's weird.
i never hated high school,
but i feel like i've made better friends
at monash then i ever made there.
or maybe i'm not afraid
of being vulnerable anymore.
possibly because vulnerability
gave me that 28151 next
to my name in the paper.
i love the circular structure in my life.

OMG. WE HAVE DURKHEIM'S BOOK.
why do i never realise my parents
own every philosophy book ever made?
i realised we had the prince, marx,
and now emile durkheim.
i love my family. sigh.

NOW off we go
to mock durkheim's limiting views
on suicide and society.
i bet he was a liberal.
marxists would never think of that.
they would totally blame it all on
those who had all the power.
AND IT WOULD BE THE PEASANTRY
THAT SUFFERED.

...i need to get out more.

love, jess xx

2009-04-18T19:48:00.002+10:00

for once i just want to be okay.
it sounds like a stupid request.
but i don't care.
all i want is five minutes without all of this.
to stop with the mind games
and questioning every action
every thought, every word, every movement.
but i suppose it's never going to leave
unless something drastic happens.
unless i decide that i want it gone
or i want me gone.
neither of those will be happening anytime soon.
so i guess i have no right to complain.
that's never stopped me though.

i'm hungry. i'mma go eat a cupcake.
comfort food ftw.

ps. creativity, inspiration and i are all at war.
(a war possibly more serious than
jess vs. the muffins. i know, right?)
i just can't decide if they're one team
or i'm fighting a war on two fronts.
(see? i CAN remember hist. terminology.
and people said i never studied...)

pps. most med students are virgins.
(it's fact. a study was done on it.)
so, i propse this question:
why aren't more scotch guys in medicine?
they would definitely meet THAT requirement.

ppps. have i mentioned that i'm going to fail med?
screw it. i was always going to be below
the smart smart SMART singaporeans
when they ranked us. might as well
just aim to make the cut.

2009-04-12T09:58:00.002+10:00

the more i fall for someone new,
the harder it is to let you go.
oh god. if it's this hard to forget
a complete douchebag, what's
going to happen when i actually
love someone?

just a thought there.

i need to get out of my head.
stupid j.d. complex. really.
as i've been told, i think too much.
"you really do think a lot"
"wow, what gave it away?"
further proof that guys are idiots.
as if they just don't think.
yeah, i'm envious.

i want my gatsby back.
the book, not the person.
whatever that's supposed to mean.

ps. i want to be a poet
with a mbbs.
because hell yeah,
keats was.

2009-04-04T12:12:00.002+11:00

if you're only going to care when you think you have to,
i'd rather you not care at all.

in other news,
I'M GOING TO FAIL MEDICINE,
but i'll have fun doing it.
med kids are awesome.

2009-03-20T21:56:00.004+11:00

i have so much going on in my life.
yet everyone continues to disregard it
and just dump every problem on me.
no. i am not the fucking reason you got wasted.
so stop making me feel like it's my fault
because i followed my dreams and stayed home.
no one made you move.
yes. everyone hated you in year twelve.
but what difference does it make now?
you're not going to change.
they're not going to talk to you anyway.
and despite being the one who fucking tried
i'm the one you force to hurt you.
do you even consider the consequences on me?
maybe it's unrealistic
for me to expect of others
what i expect of myself.
but at the same time,
can you just think for thirty seconds
and wonder if i might have the very same problems
going on in my life right now
and that i can't be responsible for you.

2009-03-15T12:59:00.000+11:00

i just realised that i have my whole life ahead of me.

"it doesn't matter what crap you have in your past, so long as you leave it there"
-carla, scubs.

i'm quoting a nurse.
oh, the blasphemy.

2009-03-05T10:35:00.002+11:00

no matter what happens,
i'm going to keep remembering that
you're doing biomedicine at melbourne.
i'm doing medicine at monash.
it must SUCK to be you.

oh, and really.
five hundred interviews
for three hundred places.
how high was your enter?
higher than mine.
and the same umat result.
that only leaves one question:
how BADLY did you fuck up you interview?

p.s. in seven years, i'm going to be your superior.
take that, bitch.

oh, that felt sadistically good to write.
passive-aggressive all the way.

2009-03-03T21:13:00.002+11:00

they say time heals everything.
maybe.
time brings apathy.
you move on.
you get over the arguments,
the break ups,
the dissolution of friendships.
you forget they happened;
they're a part of the past, nothing more.

so, does anything erase neutrality?

2009-03-01T19:36:00.002+11:00

i am in the wrong course.
i am in the wrong place.
there is no way that i can do this.
i'm not right for this.

i really don't like who i am right now.
i hate what i've become
but i can't change
because i don't think i'm ready to forget.

...yeah, i need help.

2009-02-21T18:28:00.003+11:00

six open word documents.
and i still can't find the words
to make my ideas come to life.
so many sheets of looseleaf
all brimming with potential
but when push comes to shove,
i have nothing to say.

screw it.
i'm moving to hollywood
and becoming an agent.

2009-02-19T16:28:00.002+11:00

to dad-
it occurred to me today that, when i move out in five years time,
we're not going to have a relationship.
that hurts more than anything you could ever have done to me.
do you know what it's like to be eight
and writing in your journal that you're too fat?
to be constantly ridiculed because of your size,
because of your gender, because no matter what you do,
you're just never fucking good enough?
99th percentile umat. a handshake.
99.30 enter. oh, that's nice.
do you know what it's like to hear your father slur his words?
at ten o'clock at night, to have him pass out on the bathroom floor?
to be called a hypocrite for serving the Lord and having depression?
to be ten and for someone you adore to tell you that
noah's ark wasn't real, that all the Bible stories
were just made up to make us believe?
to have to listen to you constantly put down your wife
and to think that objects can make it better?
to hear your father tell you that his idea of your death
was wishful thinking on his part?
time heals all wounds, but it doesn't change a thing.
you'll stop drinking if it'll help you
but you won't do it for your family,
you have no idea that i'm now the same,
that i drink just to get away.
you'll make your fat jokes and yo-yo diet
unaware of what it's doing to us.
i've done starvation. i've done throwing up.
and i'm pretty sure that my sister is doing the same.
you'll deny all this.
and i'm sorry that your childhood was bad.
i'm sorry if it didn't go as planned.
but why are you making us the victims?
because we've done nothing but idolise you.
-jessica.

i don't want to hear your comments.
it's therapy.

2009-02-09T19:07:00.001+11:00

Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long.
Leonard Bernstein
US composer & conductor (1918 - 1990)

2009-02-04T21:17:00.002+11:00

i didn't do ridiculously well in ib.
but i still got into med.
and it was okay
until i started realising that i've taken someone else's spot.
there were people who did better than me.
people who got insanely high scores.
people who wanted this as much as i did.
people who want it more than i do.
and i'm scared.
i'm already falling behind.
i'm not that intelligent.
my work ethic fails miserably.
do i really deserve this place?
was i just lucky?
i keep telling myself that i got in
because i was prepared to be vulnerable
and that i could deal with my own weaknesses.
i don't know how true that is.
i still see the old side of me.
how can flaws ever be a true motivation
if you continue to cave to them,
if you continue to be defined by them,
if you don't want to give them up?
for the past five years,
this is all i've ever wanted
and for the past five years,
it never seemed like a possibility.
am i no more than a modern-day gatsby?
i don't understand what makes me
more suitable to be a doctor than a 99.60.
than a 99.85.
and it's stupid to be defined by numbers, i know.
but my personality isn't that radiant.
i'm stupid, obnoxious, obscene, egoistic...
i'm not a doctor.
and i don't know that i have it in me to become one.

2009-01-30T21:57:00.002+11:00

i really should go to bed.
but i feel like i should write something.
it's my inner ib.
it won't let me go to sleep if i'm dead tired.
it forces me to do stupid things.
like study for six hours
and decide that my enter simply wasn't good enough
and i have to be in the top ten percent of med students
at semester's end.
le sigh.
i think i'm delirious.
it's the heat.

and i'm not sorry.
i don't regret telling the truth.
i guess i'm the one you'll hate
but the only one who dared to be honest.

2009-01-16T21:20:00.002+11:00

i think a lot of people think that i'm entitled to hate you,
that i should,
or that i do.

i don't.

maybe it'd be easier if i did.
but at the same time, i don't care about you.
i would never hurt you
and that's got nothing to do with not having moved on.
i know i'm over you.
that doesn't make it easier.

and i don't know what will play out in the next two weeks.
or what i'm going to do if the simultaneously best and worst thing occurs.
i have no idea how i'm going to deal.
and it's horrible, but the only thing that gets me through
is knowing that you miss me too.

one day i'll stop writing letters that i'll never send
but i guess that was always our tradition.
the difference is that you'll never see this one.

sometimes you fight for something
and though you try hard,
it's not meant to work.
i don't really blame anyone.
yeah, you acted like a jerk,
but i made mistakes too,
but i'm never going to apologise for them.
everything happens for a reason.
i know who i am.
i know that i can deal with anything.
hell, i got an A in tok.
that essay was handed in a day after we broke up.
if that's not resilience, i don't know what is.
i've achieved things i never thought possible
with and without you.
you taught me a lot about who i am
though i doubt it was your intention
and it was hard.
the whole relationship was hard.
but, at the end of the day,
it was "grits for my mill", in the words of my english teacher.
i don't have any regrets.
i'm not going to sit here and be sad about it.
i don't have time, and i'm tired of it.
i'm eighteen. i have my whole life ahead of me.
why would i let a teenage crush hold me back?

i'm not really sure why i'm writing this
but i just want to rationalise.
to take fifteen minutes and reflect.
to explain that revenge isn't a dream, a goal, an aspiration,
it's just another way of getting by.
honestly, i'm scared of seeing you again,
i really am.
because like i said, i don't know how i'm going to react
and having all these comebacks makes it easier
because i feel just a little prepared.

i think that's everything.

for the last time, jess xxxx

2009-01-15T18:45:00.002+11:00

four days.
one thousand, three hundred and eighty-eight applicants.
one hundred and twenty-nine places.

i think that says everything.
thank goodness for work.
i don't think that i'd survive the next few days without it.
yay for cleaning the storeroom.

i don't know what scares me more.
failing to obtain a place
or getting in.
purely out of fear for what might ensue.
what if i hate it?
what if i drop out and have effectively deprived someone of a place?
what am i going to do if i don't get in?
especially if i know people who don't want it do?
is this even right for me?

i freaking hate waiting.

2009-01-09T20:47:00.002+11:00

Sixteen random factoids.

I constantly underestimate myself because I'm afraid that I'll never live up to my own expectations. Or those of anyone else.
I'm hopeless at making really good friends because I hate being rejected. It's the whole 'you only get hurt in the end' mindset. That and my whole 'I've been abandoned by everyone who I've let in' complex.
My interior monologue frequently uses 'LOL', but I would never say it out loud because it would undercut everything I've ever said.
I have an obsessive-compulsive desire to define myself by descriptors that don't relate to my personality, such as 'IB Nerd' or 'Physics Geek'.
I don't regret my choice of subjects. I did it my way, and it wasn't about doing well. It was about being happy and choosing a path that I'd enjoy.
Half of me wants to get into Medicine purely to piss my ex off.
I don't actually believe that I'll get into Medicine, but I can't see myself doing anything else, except maybe something to do with politics.
Blonde jokes are my oxygen.
My personality revolves around extremes; there is no middle ground. I'm happy or depressed, never anything else.
When I'm writing, the semi-colon is my best friend.
I use really weird relationship metaphors for everything. Such as saying that the semi-colon is my best friend, or that my muse is my lover in a J.D. and Elliot sort of way.
I don't think that J.D. deserves Elliot, just as I don't believe that Dan deserves Serena.
I'm intimidated really, really easily.
I've never been in love with someone, but I've been in love with the concept thereof.
I believe that God exists, but I will never believe in Christianity. I think it encourages narrow-mindedness, and that it doesn't respect the fundamental ideal of God: that to believe is a choice. Every aspect of our lives is a choice. I will never enforce my beliefs on someone else, but I will discuss them and why I hold them.
I am pro-abortion and pro-euthanasia, but I would never engage in either practice.

2009-01-05T14:32:00.001+11:00

99.30
just please let it be good enough.
because now that i have a chance at med
i've convinced myself that i've screwed up the interview.
do i not like giving myself a hope in hell?
or am i just really afraid of disappointment?

2009-01-01T15:01:00.003+11:00

this is why i love the new year.

oh, i’m sorry, is it because of me that you feel so guilty?
is it my fault that you treated me to badly?
i didn’t mean to make you oh so edgy
at even the thought of me,
not a single accusation yet flung your way
and already you anticipate what they’ll say.
did you really think that i’d just disappear
that you could say goodbye without the fear
of seeing me again, of thinking about all
the ways you destroyed us, made us fall?
did you really believe
that you could leave
and forget the mistakes you made,
how you acted, how you behaved?
oh, baby, i’m so, so sorry
that you thought i’d set you free,
no, honey, i spent too long crying
to say goodbye to all your lying.
ex-lover, former boyfriend,
these wounds are to mend
with the destruction
of your reputation
and oh, i’m sorry, but really,
did you think i’d go away so easily?

it's a long story.
not really.
but you know, whatever.

let's put it this way.
med@monash?
it just got a whole lot more appealing.

2008-12-27T21:30:00.003+11:00

i don't believe in regrets.
i believe in doing whatever it takes to avoid them.
and you know what?
it's saved my life.
it's saved a friendship that was incredibly important to me.
it's made me realise a lot about who i am.
and that i'm stronger than what i give myself credit for.
sometimes, you have to apologise and hope that it's the right thing to do.
start a conversation with someone you despise
just to be hurt again, and to realise
that it's time to go forward. time to move on.
i don't regret these past twelve months.
i don't think that i ever could.
every experience that breaks you, makes you who you are.
for the last eight months, i've destroyed myself.
but without destruction, we stay the same, we make the same mistakes.
i've made mine. i've learnt my lessons.
don't put anyone on a pedestal.
be honest with your feelings.
never deny those three words.
put your cards on the table.
take risks.
apologise and admit you were wrong.
go for it.
laugh and forgive.
release all your anger.
never hate.
value the good times and the bad.
smile.
talk to everyone.
follow your dreams, even if they give you fours.
be yourself and relax.
do stupid things.
find God, but don't take everything literally.
form your own beliefs.
be inquisitive.
cry, even if they won't cry over you.
stay passionate.
for every mistake you make, remember: if you did it again, you'd do the same thing.
fangirl relentlessly.
don't worry about what others think.
people will love and hate you. get over it.
choose your battles wisely.
give yourself time and space.
don't force something.
give everything you have.
love.

2008-12-22T13:59:00.001+11:00

my muse ran away with my imagination.

go listen to josh pyke's cover.
it's concentrated happiness.

2008-12-20T22:26:00.003+11:00

i've been dreading this weekend for five months.
now i'm halfway through it and i'm okay.
my muse decided that it loves me
and i'm waiting for it to propose.
i have some of the most amazing friends in the world
and for some reason, they always know when i'm down
and exactly how to cheer me up.
i can't wait to see them again! XD
and then there's the friendships lost
where there's no point in fighting any longer
because they're just not going to work
now that there's no common ground.

i guess all that's left to do is remember the good times,
thank the Lord for the hours spent together,
and say goodbye like you'll miss them.
of course, i will.
but i'm not going to sit around waiting for things to go back to normal
it's sad, yes, but c'est la vie.
life's starting again for me right now.
new job, new people, another chance.
the past is exactly that,
and the future will come when i'm ready
and right now, i'm taking it one day at a time
just hoping for the best.

and i blame taylor swift for all of the above.

2008-12-17T17:36:00.001+11:00

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
- Soren Kierkegaard

RULES:
1. Put your MP3 player/ iPod on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Storm - Lifehouse

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
The Dolphin's Cry - Live

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Stronger - Kanye West

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
The Way You Make Me Feel - Simple Plan

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Prince Ali (Reprise) - Aladdin

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Big Blonde and Beautiful - Hairspray

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The Grim Goodbye - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Rock Bottom - The Spill Canvas

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Under The Covers - The Spill Canvas

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Bridges - Lifehouse

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
The Boys Are back - High School Musical 3

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
In This Life - Delta Goodrem

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
In Pieces - Linkin Park

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Bones - The Killers

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST??
My December - Linkin Park

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Exitlude - The Killers

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Use Me To Use You - Trapt

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
거짓말 Remix - Big Bang

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Burning Up - The Spill Canvas

2008-12-15T13:33:00.003+11:00

jess needs...
~~to stop being a wimp and check her voicemail.~~
to stop using abbreviations on her to do list which she doesn't understand.
to upload photos.
~~to study for her l's.~~
to get a life.
to start her chrissy shopping.
to organise boxing day shopping.
to buy pink mascara.
to know who got 99.95.
to stop worrying about jan 4th.
to write something.
to finish her two editing projects.
to do some hl math work.
to find a job.
to get out of her house.
to relax.

2008-12-10T20:30:00.002+11:00

"being able to survive it doesn't mean that it was ever okay"

that's my thought of the day. i don't feel like writing, i don't feel like talking - there's nothing left to say. i think that this, right here and now, is the end of a lot of my relationships. and the start of many new ones. i can't see myself moving forward at the moment if i stay where i am, and though it hurts to say goodbye, i don't think that i have a choice anymore.

take that as you will.

2008-12-08T17:34:00.002+11:00

i hate the way that timing works for me.
i think about a year ago today, and then,
then you ring and i can't help but feel
like i'm running away, again, like i've
led you on this entire time, but right now,
right now i can't do this, i'm not ready
for a guy like you, who might be able to make
me feel something, remind me that a heart
within me beats, that i'm more than a shadow,
a soulless corpse, animated despite her demise,
and all i want is to pick up, to say i'm sorry,
to say i'll give this a chance, but i'm still
entertaining notions of instant affection,
love at first sight, and, in all honesty, we
could have something, but my heart won't let
me believe, and i'm not expecting you to
understand, i'm not wanting your sympathy,
but nothing's ever going to happen until i'm
stronger, i'm happy with who i am, i know
myself, because i'm not putting myself through
another manipulation, no guy is worth that risk,
i'm not losing myself again.

yeah.
another phone call.
another panic attack.
i didn't answer.
sigh.

speech night tonight, yay!
actually, i'm not excited.
i'm not sure why i'm going.
but i am and there's nothing i can do
but make the most of it.

some guy hollered at me
from his car today.
second time in two weeks.
it's the hair.

and i made rumballs!
well, really, just balls.
because there's no rum.
but that would sound wrong.

peace out & God bless

lovelove, jess xx

2008-12-07T21:12:00.002+11:00

"The day door is closed
The echoes fill your soul
They won't say which way to go
Just trust your heart
To find what you're here for
Open another door
But I'm not sure anymore
It's just so hard

The voices in my head
Tell me they know best
Got me on the edge
They're pushin', pushin'
They're pushin'
I know they've got a plan
But the ball's in my hands
This time it's man-to-man
I'm droppin', fightin'
It's time to...

Whole world's upside down
Spinning faster
What do I do now?
'Cause I choke

I don't know where to go
What's the right team?
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't choose, so confused
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream

I'm kickin' down the walls
I gotta make 'em fall
Just break through them all
I'm pushin', crashin'
I'm gonna fight to find myself
Me and no one else
Which way I get down
Searchin', searchin
Can't find a road that I should take
I should, tomorrow left us
It's like nothing works without you

I don't know where to go
What's the right team?
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't choose, so confused
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream

Yeah, the clock's running down
Hear the crowd gettin' loud
I'm consumed by the sound
Is it hurt?
Is it love?
Can the music ever be enough?
Gotta work it out
Work it out
You can do it, you can do it

I don't know where to go
What's the right team?
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't choose, so confused
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream (x2) "

SCREAM, High School Musical 3

that sort of sums it up.
i had the worst dream last night.
there were two, actually.
one was about me getting 32 in ib.
i know it sounds terrible,
but i wouldn't cope with that.
and i know i need to be able to
because there is a distinct chance
that i'm going to get it
because honestly,
i flunked five of my final exams.
i am so freaking screwed.
the other dream involved trams.
i was on a tram going to plc,
and it didn't stop there.
so i got off and got on the next tram.
which also didn't let me off.
so i got on another tram
and it went off the tracks
because there was a traffic jam
on the tracks.
so, it took a back route
and wound up at scotch.
and started floating up in the air
and i got quite freaked out.
mrs. collin was livid at the tram.
and then i had to answer questions
in front of a crowd of scotchies
with jancy, i think.
weird much?
i'm still recovering from that 32 though.
i hope i'm not psychic.
i have to do better than that.
and i have three weeks.
i'm scared.

in other news, my muse is being a dick.
again.
i have a yearning for prose
but no characters.
i even have the concept!
le sigh.

a year ago, i had it all worked out,
i was going to be studious, i was going
to come out on top, full marks to my name,
no one could tell me what to do, baby,
i was in control, i knew it all, i was fine,
and freedom seemed impossible, a dream.
now it's here and reality is staring at me
with those big, blank eyes and all i can see
is an empty future, nothingness, failure,
and it's approaching rapidly, it's imminent,
and i can't stop it, can't change the past that's
causing my tomorrows to be this way.
i was supposed to be perfect, the nerd, the girl
who was going to be on the billboards next year,
but what am i now? hopeless, a disaster,
succumbing to the demons i fought so hard to defeat,
the antithesis to everything i believe, a shell,
a faint shadow of that person, sure, she was fucked up
but she had hopes. she had friends. she had something.
a year ago, this darkness didn't seem so bad, this fate,
not so real, life was simple, i could do it, i could win,
and now it just feels like i've lost, given up everything,
made the ultimate gamble only to have it all fall through,
and everyday just seems the same, nothing in which to
find solace, to seek relief, to place my fears, nowhere
to escape to, and i can't stand it. i never planned
to sustain the life i used to have, but i never realised
it would hurt so much to leave it behind, to surrender it,
to move on from who i used to be, to embrace my inner
challenges that seem so deeply a part of me. a year ago
to date, i was a child, a little girl, a hopeless romantic,
naive and innocent, despite appearances, i was willing
to sacrifice all my habits, though in them i found salvation,
i wanted to be something more, and now, i'm hardened,
cynical, and everything i've ever loved has only hurt,
so why not accept what brings you pain
if it also brings escape, relief, and delays the onset
of the inevitable failure tomorrow will only bring?

well, that sums up my mood.
gosh, i need to get out of the house
before i lose my mind. again.

peace out & God bless.

lovelove, jess xx

2008-12-06T19:03:00.003+11:00

okay, so i fail at this poem a day gig.
but the good news is that i'm halfway
to completing my anthology.
no prizes for guessing the theme.
but yes. halfway.
except i need more happy poems.
and i am going to write them.
for reasons apart from proving that i can.
um, yeah. i did something significant yesterday.
but i can't remember...oh wait, how could i forget?

I FELL IN LOVE.

with zac efron.
don't laugh.
but yes, i saw hsm3 with my homegirls
lizzie lah and e.
okay, so i don't call them that.
and i think that they'd look at me strangely if i did.
but i had to be consistent with homegirls!
oh, oh, OH!
and i got a haircut.
it's pretty drastic.
my hair is now shoulder length
with layers
and super curly bouncy.
i haven't decided if i like it yet.
it'll take some getting used to.
but i got a positive response from a random guy
on the bus.
yes. alright.
JESS HAS TO STOP PICKING UP GUYS ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT.
but he was cute.
and i didn't get his number.
i think he was a bit of a dick, actually.
but you know.
IT IS PROOF OF THE SEXY HAIRCUT.
oh, and erin and liz and my mom liked it as well.

okay, so everyone is at grad
or interstate
or overseas right now.
and my plans for the night cancelled.
i was originally going clubbing
but my cousin had to postpone.
sigh.
so let's party!
by myself.
with poetry.

I NEED A LIFE.
will someone get me one for chrissy?
pleassssse?

and now, i have to write two poems.
to make up for yesterday.
and restore equlibrium.
and decrease entropy.
i don't know why writing does that.
but it does.

i met you in my dreams last night,
the perfect guy, cute as a button,
holding me tight and just talking for hours,
taking the bus with me, kisses on the cheek,
every aspect of you enchanted me, your hair,
your eyes, the way you made me laugh, cry,
and we were just friends. that's all.
perfect guy for love and we only had friendship,
and when i woke up, i couldn't believe that
i'd let you slip through my fingers, given up what
may be my only chance at true love (albeit,
i was glad that i was dreaming of you and not
the same old guy, the ex my subconscious won't
acknowledge that i'm over) but there was something
oddly comforting about our imagined friendship
that makes me crave it now, just to have a guy
in my life with no expectations, no benefits,
no pressure to be perfect, someone i'm not,
and dreamboy, if you exist, please, please,
come to me, let me find you, because right now,
i need you more than anything.

the worrying thing is that
i actually had that dream last night
and dream!boybestfriend was cute.
he was white and had blue eyes
and shaggy brown hair.
he worked at like, target with me or something.
yeah, i know. weird.

one down, one to go.
headdesk.
but i must treating writing as a job
if i want to drop out of med school
and continue to live a bludgy existence
and be a poet.

why are happy poems so hard to write?
i think i need more for the start of the anthology.
the end is done.
the middle needs work as well.
le sigh.

i wish you were here, i wish that
you were with me right now, whisper
in my ear that it's all okay, that this loneliness
won't last, that i'm stronger than this, that i'm passionate,
that i can make it, that i have a reason for cahsing this dream,
that i'm something because, in this moment, i feel as if
i'm nothing. as if i've worked all my life, and it's come
to this, a summer of isolation with no one to keep me
warm at night, to protect me from the crashing waves,
from burning the bridges that will keep me alive, from
entertaining my own masochistic fantasties, the ones where
i imagine my tombstone, my burial, and i hate how weak
i am, that i need your comfort, but i guess that's love,
seeking solace in someone else, giving them your heart,
and begging them not to break it, opening up your soul,
carefully, caressing it like porcelain, and hoping that,
even in anger, they won't drop your prized possession,
leaving it to crash to the ground, to form a puzzle of
one million pieces, impossible to solve. i hate to say it,
but i think i love you, and i want you here, i
want you in my life, i want to feel you arms and
listen to those cheesy lines you have, i want you to
be my world, and i don't know how this will end, if
it's meant to last, if you deserve me, if i'm worthy
of having a guy like you in my life, but i need you,
right here, right now, and i'm willing to sacrifice it all
just to make this work.

okay, that wasn't a bad happy poem!
was it?
it was a good attempt. i think.
but it's still sad happy.
why do i have this pervading sense of melancholy?
mm, i should go to bed.
before i drive myself insane. again.

peace out & God bless.

lovelove, jess xx

2008-12-04T18:26:00.002+11:00

oooh, pretty.
guess who has a new layout?
i think it's adorable.
and i really wanted a change.
this is it.
and the things on the side are clickable!
so the c-box is now under tagboard.
you probably could've worked that out.

med interview was so good.
i was a lot calmer than last time.
i didn't get any of the questions i expected to.
and it was really short.
i was the first person called in again.
which is getting really annoying.
it happened at unsw as well.
so we pretty much talked about
1. why medicine?
2. experience?
3. teamwork?
4. stress?
5. scenario - boy dies from passive inhalation.
6. detech - the pH scale.
7. active listening - irina the ballerina.
i felt really professional and i didn't sound too stupid.
and i just told them everything.
i decided not to hide.
which is a major deal for me.
i just feel really good about it.
i could've done better, but i'm not falling into that trap.

i might be seeing hsm3 tomorrow
ZAC EFRON BABY.
okay, that's something you don't say in public, yeah?
damn.

um, poetry, right.
i hate making promises like this.
and then having to keep them.
sigh.

i was looking at my old work today,
the blogs, the poems, from when i was
with you, and i couldn't believe what i wrote.
it's not that i thought myself foolish for loving you,
i can forgive myself for that mistake,
it's that i changed for you, blamed myself
for your flaws just to keep us together,
claimed the silence was my fault, took the fall
for the lack of trust between us when it wasn't me
who was saying stupid things, i never said that
i never loved you, that i wouldn't bleed
if you walked away from me, that you should
push your boundaries just a little bit further
for my own physical gratification, no,
but i let myself think that. and i cried, i cried
when it was over? well, now, i believe
that we have to mess up to realise just
how strong we are, how beautiful we are,
and, through all the pain you blessed me with,
i can kick you in the balls with no regret.

leave the last line alone.
i like it.

peace out and God bless.

lovelove, jess xxxx

2008-12-03T20:04:00.002+11:00

so, med interview in thirteen hours.
yayness.
i feel like i should prep.
but i don't know where to start
or if my heart's really in it.
i feel kinda bad though.
2078 people put med as their first preference.
about 3000 had it as a preference at all.
and somehow i'm in the top 500
and doubting whether i want this.
me? a doctor?
everything i know i learnt from scrubs.
i'm scared.
because i don't know if this is where i'm supposed to be
but how do you give up on the only thing you ever dreamed of?
medicine, if we're continuing with the relationship metaphors.
is the best friend who you never really felt you deserved,
but who still gives you opportunities
and a chance to redeem yourself,
and you feel guilty for wanting to say no,
so you don't.
you keep going until they reject you
because you don't want to hurt them.
okay, jess. enough with the metaphors.

"being a doctor is about learning to deal with the unexpected."

thank you j.d.

what if i panic again?
but i'm not alone this time.
i'm not on foreign territory.
i have aditi who will be calm.
and i will steal her tranquillity.
and...what if i see a certain someone?
what if i'm out of luck and can't keep running from the past?
i'll curse gay.

sigh.
i think this is proof i want it.
i wasn't scared about bond because i didn't want it.
but...monash is my last hope.
it's this or nothing.
and i have to pray that, for once in my life, i'm good enough.

I CAN DO THIS.
i owned the umat.
i can talk.
i am sociable.
i am happy.
i am strong.
i am confident in who i am.
i am a compulsive liar.

okay, i lied with the last one.

i believe that no matter what you do,
you can't hurt me from where you are,
so emotionally distant, so far away,
no ties between us, your name no longer
inducing fear, the thought of you
no longer confronting, and i'm safe here,
secure in my past, in my present, and you,
you're not in my future, i know that,
and knowledge is power, liberation,
and a million reasons not to go back to you.

well, i said i'd write a poem a day
and even if that sucks ass
i've done it.

peace out and God bless.

lovelove, jess xxxx

2008-12-02T15:48:00.004+11:00

i used to be afraid of feeling empty.
of having that hollow pit inside my stomach that kept me up at night.
but now i've realised my only fear is not feeling anything at all.
i was talking to liz today, and, as everyone knows, i'm only really good at talking about three things.
1. life.
2. grades/school.
3. screwed up relationships.
so, of course, jess got into a bit of a rant about certain people.
probably not aided by the year elevens from a certain school on the tram.
but it scared me that, while i was talking about it, i felt nothing.
i was just so detached from it - and i think that's worse than emptiness.
emptiness kills, but you know you're alive.
nothingness - it's like being emotionally dead.
i could think about anything right now
about the worst moments in the relationship
and the most i'd feel is - 'oh, right.'
okay, so that's not entirely true.
maybe 'psht, yeah, he's a dick'
and then that would be it.
I'M NOT USED TO FEELING NOTHING.
i'm used to being the most strung out, emotional person everrrr.
well, thsi has to be better than hatred, yeah?
except it's killing my play, yo!
i need to have my heart broken again.
any takers?
okay. so that has to be the weirdest request ever made.
then again, without those sort of requests
we wouldn't have any bdsm.
and the sex industry would die.
we're all very concerned about that. *rolls eyes*

on the up side, i tried to write a poem.
and then realised that i couldn't.
because essentially, i'd be lying to myself.
it started with 'i tried to tell myself i'm over you'
and well, yeah, i sort of completely am.
it kills me to say this
but peterson is right. we all make it in the end.
so i'm ready for the next phase of my life.
i'm ready for whatever God gives me next.
mm, i think that this has been the entrée.
and now bring on the main meal.
again, jess is making silly metaphors
and her mind is misconstruing them as innuendos.
the fact that i struggled to spell that word scares me.
you'd think i'd be good at it by now.

okay. now for important messages.
LIZ. I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS.
WATCH GOSSIP GIRL TOMORROW NIGHT.
and then we can
~~bitch about dan~~
~~fangirl over chuck~~
~~see ourselves in the characters~~
discuss.

aiyoh. i think i promised myself that i would write a poem a day.
three days and i'm already running out of inspiration.
INSPIRE ME.

ooh, quizzy thing.

Your rainbow is intensely shaded violet, orange, and red.
What is says about you: You are a passionate person. You appreciate a challenge. Others are amazed at how you don't give up. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.

and why won't it center?
AIYOH LAH.
it originally had a graphic
and was cooler
but html hates me lah.

four hours later - i found my inspiration.
and i got distracted my scrubs and lost it.
damn that sexy janitor lah!

i have this fear that i'm going to see you,
run into you on the street, on the train,
and i'm not going to recognise who you are,
that in the years to come when my kids scream 'mom,
tell us about your first love', i'll pull out my photo album
and point to your face, tell them about the flowers,
the roses which caused both adoration and angst,
about the formal night that meant the world,
but i won't remember your name, who you were,
even now, i feel your image
slipping through my fingers
and though i harbour no desire to ever go back,
i want to take our mistakes to the future,
i don't want to have suffered through this for no reason,
and i'm scared that i won't remember you,
your eyes, your smile, your errors, your flaws,
because even when we were together
i never could.

there we go.
i feel better now.
see? SCRUBS IS GOOD FOR ME.
or maybe it's just the forced poetry thing.
SEE MUSEY BABY! WHO'S IN CHARGE NOW?
and why does that conjure up bad thoughts in my head?
oh, right.
because that's how my mind is wired, word.
and i think that's enough for me.
jess needs to prep for monash.
or she is really screwed.
and will wind up doing like...finance next year.
which would kill her.
muchly.

peace out and God bless.

lovelove, jess xxxx

2008-12-01T16:23:00.002+11:00

okies, i just got back from my coffee with mel.
it was so so so so amazing.
we're actually pretty similar.
apart from the fact we share the same blood.
which i think was one of those unnecessary things that you don't have to state.
but which i stated anyway.
because you know, i'm like that.
but it was so good seeing her again
she's like the big sister i always wanted.
and yes, i sound pathetic and cliché
but she makes me happy.

okay, so i'm forcing myself to write a poem a day.
just to make future publication easier.
because i'll actually have something to publish.
chyeah. i've got the title planned out already.
now i just have to write the stuff that goes in it.
and proof it.
and make it wonderful.
and design a cover.
and then i'm set.
oh, and make someone like it.
which is hard.
since, unless your name is bruce dawe, there's not exactly a market for poetry.
not in australia anyway.
sigh. if only i were the pope.
he had a book of poetry published!
sure, it was after he died...okay, not so good.
anywho, i am a poet and i know it.
just channel my inner bruce dawe...
*channels*
i just feel like all my writing is the same in topic.
but it's an exploration of a theme!
it just needs more diversity.
i need to have more flexibility.
which means i need more experience.
but what else is there to experience?
maybe i need to live with a certain mindframe.
or while listening to the right sort of music.
like the jobros, yo~

and i hate having a phrase in my head
and nothing to link it to.
annoying much?

yes, i lied to save myself,
making it all up to run away,
it was nothing to do with wanting to stop,
no connection to slowing it down,
i couldn't give myself to you
because i never trusted you, when
i was down you were never my port of call,
and though you claimed to be there for me,
though you pleaded to be my rock, my saviour,
to protect me from the evils of my mind, the demons
that my emotions conjured up, you couldn't.
one poem and the accusations began to pour,
my confessions, my honesty, used to attack my credibility,
and then when i admit to self-destructivity,
you looked me in the eye and began to relay
a well-rehearsed speech designed to destroy,
'oh, i'm sorry baby, but i don't know that
i can continue to love someone like you,
someone who's damaged, a girl who can't face
her past, who is still addicted to past habits and
ancient memories, oh, i'm sorry baby, but look, no,
i'd rather not see reality, i'd rather not recognise
the problems that you have for fear of
seeing them in myself, i can't date a girl
who just doesn't have the confidence that i feign,
i want perfection, i don't want fucked up,
because i only have to look in the mirror to find that,
give me sex but cut the strings, give me gratification
but don't find me when you need a hug, when you need love
because i'm sorry baby, but i won't be there.'

i know what i said, that i loved you, that please, no more,
it's too intense, i'm not ready, i can't deal with it,
but truth be told, i don't do meaningless lust,
and i wasn't going to give my virginity to a stranger,
not matter how good he tasted, no matter how sweet his words,
i wanted someone who would hold me, rock me to sleep
when i couldn't defeat my depression on my own, when
i started to fall apart, when the pressure got to me,
when my mistakes caught up to me as i ran out of breath,
but no, what did i get? i confided in you because
i thought that you wanted me. that you accepted me
for i am and understood who i once was.
'i'm sorry baby, but no. i don't find you interesting anymore,
because you don't want to be my barbie doll, you won't feed my arrogance,
you won't tolerate the insults to your intelligence, and i'm sorry baby,
but if it's a choice between my ego and you, well, i'm going to put myself first
just like i always have. i'll send you flowers, because that's what i'm supposed to do,
but i won't be there for you when you need me,
i have halo to play and guitar hero to rock, time to waste,
and studying to do - though i don't need it. see this shiny medal?
another reason why you should listen to every word i say, follow
my every order, that way we can be together, that way i can use you
all while admiring the girl across the room, have you seen her on facebook?
she's so pretty, she has just the right jaw, she's my dream girl
brunetter and slender, you know, losing weight is always a good thing.
i'm sorry baby, yeah, i led you on, and now i'll walk away,
pretend you never existed, and hell, i'm sorry baby,
but i never cared about you anyway.'

oh, no, i'm the one who's sorry baby,
because there's beauty in my failings,
inspiration in my struggle, and i've faced my weaknesses,
and while you've left and become just another rejected horny teenage male
i've made a difference. i've changed my life.
not for a moment do i regret us, and i'm sorry baby,
but not for a moment do i regret never letting you in -
metaphorically and literally.

pent up anger much?
but damn, that felt good to write.
and yeah, the meaning is rather OMFG obvious.
but i don't have an issue with that.
because poetry is what i feel.
and it's freeing.
that's not the word.
liberating.
that's what poetry is.
and it's not what it seems.
because i've moved on.
that's why i've been so psycho happy lately.
because i feel like this dark cloud has just gone.
but hell.
i'm milking the relationship for all it's worth.
and it happens to be a brillaint source of inspiration.
i'm getting a real sense of déjà vu.
i swear, i dreamt this months ago.
whoa, weird much?

and if you read all that,
i'll give you cookies.

peace out and God bless.

lovelove, jess xxxx

2008-11-30T13:44:00.002+11:00

i'mma seeing the coolest, most fabuloso person in the whole wide world.
and no, i'm not going on a date with my mirror.
i'm seeing my big sister! well, not really. but my cousin, mel.
whom i absolutely adore.
i am THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS excited.
multiplied by about infinity.
can you multiple by infinity?
don't you just get infinity again?
so it's like, the opposite of multiplying by one.
but yes, i just felt like telling you all that little piece of information.
because i have officially decided that i have discovered myself.
which is actually very annoying.
BECAUSE I PLANNED ON USING MY SUMMER TO DO JUST THAT.
now what am i going to do?
anyone feel like shopping with me?
or, you know, hanging out?
taking random trains in the city and praying we don't wind up in upwey?
haha, speech night '06. the great train escapade.
and speech night '07. the great tram escape.
good times, great classic hits.
and speech night '08? psht, nothing.
NO REHERSALS FOR JESS YAY.

anywho, on to what i was actually going to write here.
before i got oh so distracted.
yes, my attention span is | | that big.
and again, i'm dis to the tracted.
oh my, i'm high.
except i've been good and limiting my sugar, i promise!
and even my scrubs intake has been reduced.
yeah, i know. I'M REALLY TRYING.

and now my muse has gone.
i think i need to start making it jealous.
you know, go out with someone.
and then it'll come back to me.
i'm sick of being the other woman, i want committment.
and yes, i am talking about something that exists only in my mind.
but ten bucks says that i'm not the only writer that feels this way.
the muse is like the bad boyfriend.
who you hate and who takes you fro granted
but you can't stop going back to him because the sex is just that great.
where sex is a metaphor for writing.
a very bad metaphor, yes.
but a metaphor nonetheless.
okay, maybe i should be banned from ever talking again.
besides, everytime you say 'it's over'
he holds you tight and tells you he loves you
and you believe him because you feel so free
when you're writing, inspired by him.
and that's my muse.
the boyfriend from hell.
who is probably sleeping around.
and please, please, do me a favour.
DON'T GET MY MUSE CONFUSED WITH AN ACTUALL PERSON.
i just heart personification.

and now i'm listening to old school jonas brothers.
call me a loser.
but it's making me all emotional.
which is weird.
because i've never heard it before.
oh, hell yeah.
I AM THE EPITOME OF SCREWED UP.
but, oh how i love it.

drop dead gorgeous and everything i need,
sure, i don't know your name,
and baby, i know i never will,
one glance to realise i'm alive,
one look to remember life before the first,
brief eye contact and my heart starts to beat,
blood pumping through my veins, feeding
the butterflies that fly in my stomach,
the wild imaginings of a future,
the yesterdays fade to black, fade to where
they belong and all i can see is you
atop an escalator with your friends
that fresh, sharp smell of cologne,
and no, you probably didn't notice the
crazy girl staring at you, tossing her hair,
smiling like she's just discovered
that santa actually survives,
that everything that was once tarnished,
once mythical, once impossible to believe, is real
the fear of never moving on dissipates
replaced by something new, something familiar,
something i'd forgotten and now i know
that i'm alive, that i'm not just the ex,
that i can feel, that i'm still that girl,
the insane girl who went guy crazy, who
never ever forgot her friends, who crushed
like no tomorrow and checked out boys
without thinking of another and how she
messed it up, no, she didn't,
and now she's free again.

there we go. semi-true story.
well, two true stories.
but i made them one.
and exaggerated just a little.
who knows?
maybe that's the source of my happiness.

now, go jobro it up, yo~!
(six minutes is my recommendation.
so bad that it can only be good.)

peace out and God bless.

lovelove, jess xxxx

2008-11-28T19:55:00.002+11:00

fate rules over us all, our lives not
ours to control, and even if
you never believed, i always did.
so if by chance we meet again,
i'll wave and smile and be polite
we'll reminisce about simpler times
and then we'll go our separate ways
there'll be nothing more to say, to do,
the book is closed, the bookmark lost,
and here our story ends.
interpret as you will.
i know what it means to me.
but it's not poetry unless someone misconstrues it
and takes it literally or offence at what's been said
hell yeah. i just used a zeugma.
mademoiselle albrecht would be très proud, non?
i feel like i should try and summarise thsi year
but i don't think i can.
i don't think there are words to describe the emotional spectrum.
i mean, don't get me wrong. it sucked. it sucked ass.
but i've loved every second of it.
and i feel like i should get a new blog.
because, well...this isn't me anymore.

i am j.d., king of the nerds.

...yes, i have watched one too many episodes of scrubs lately.
it's only scary when your own interior monologue sounds suspiciously like j.d.
but seriously. i see myself in that show.
maybe not as a doctor.
or as sexy as the janitor.
but i see aspects of my personality.
and i know what you're saying.

DUDE. GET A LIFE. STOP ANALYSING TV SHOWS AND TRYING TO FIND SOLACE THROUGH YOUR OVERLY INTROSPECTIVE WAYS.

and who am i kidding?
not one of you was thinking anything beyond the first sentence of that phrase.
because you have managed to dissociate yourselves from the title of ib nerd.
or maybe you were just never that cool in the first place.
yes. ib = cool.
if we drew a graph, it would be a straight line with a gradient of one and passing through the point (0,0)
that's just how directly proportional the two qualities are.
and let's be serious.
there is no way i'm doing pure arts next year.
i need nerdiness like i need innuendo and tea bags.
or, you know, like a fat kid needs cake. or liposuction.
psht. why am i so happy and rambly?
where has depressed jess who wears a dress gone?
okay. i just wanted to rhyme that last part.
you can be quiet now.
yeah, i know you're laughing at me.
or rolling your eyes at how pathetic i am.

BUT BRING ON FREEDOM, BABIES.

oh yeah. i'm high.
on love!
actually, no.
not what you're thinking. XD
be relieved. i'm still totez asian.

peace out and God bless.

lovelove, jess xxxx

2008-11-17T18:31:00.001+11:00

Sometimes there's just no going back.

2008-11-15T17:27:00.002+11:00

It feels so strange to be doing this again. To be getting into a relationship, to be staring down at my phone going...should I call? Should I leave it? Will he be busy? But I love it. I've been so scared, so afraid, for so long...yet maybe what I've been praying for, been yearning for, has been in my phone book for a month. Who knows? But I'm not letting accusations of desperation deter me - after all, I refuse to believe that giving someone who asked for my phone number and made me smile is desperation. I don't believe that reading a text he sent me is desperation. And I don't believe that you're worried about me at all - I think it's something else. Just because you've been hurt, doesn't mean I will be. Just because I got in too deep with one guy, doesn't mean that I will do it again. So yeah. This probably doesn't make a lot of sense to a lot of people. But, for me, I think friendship is about supporting one another. It's about saying...look, I don't think you should do this, this is why, but it's your life - I'll be there if you fall, no matter what. That's what I love about my friendship with Sandra. I remember telling her something, and she said 'Well, this isn't what you want to hear, but this is what I think...' And she wasn't tearing me down - she was actually being honest in a non-judgemental sort of way, and I respected that. Sure, it took me a week to reply to her email because I was a little pissed off, but she understood that, and I gave her my opinion, and we got on with our lives. I can take advice, but I have to make my own mistakes.

I still don't believe I'm desperate. Desperate would be going up to a guy and batting my eyelashes and giving him a nice view of my chest. Talking to a guy who talks to you is not desperation, and exchanging numbers to talk again is not desperation.

Why are we as women so determined to tear one another down? I know I do it, I know my friends do it to me, I've seen it happen. And it's so freaking pointless. Why can't we just be there for one another? I was talking to a friend on Thursday, as we happened to both be going into the city, and she said something about the so-called "plastic" or "bitchy" group at our school - they backed each other up. There was no undercurrents of resentment - it was all out in the open. I know my group at school is nothing like that. We're divided into two, maybe even three, distinct groups, and it's awful. I love these girls, but hell, we have issues. And because we've all graduated, they're never going to be sorted out, purely because they're not going to be brought up, and that kills me. They'll just lay dormant, and these will be the reasons why, within a year, we won't be in contact. Not all of us, anyway. I don't believe in having regrets, but I wish I had have spoken my mind more, put girls in their place when they deserved it, and not allowed the bitchiness to happen. maybe we should have just confronted it instead of bitching about it afterwards. Instead of exchanging awkward glances and ranting in the common room. Maybe our foundations would have been stronger if that had have happened.

And there'll be people that read this and interpret as a direct aim against them. Sigh. Surprisingly enough, it's not. It's a general thing, and I don't think that I'm the only one that feels this way. There are good memories, but the bad memories force you to reconsider what they mean and what the motivation for all the happy times was. I know I haven't been honest this year, and probably a little too caught up in my own affairs to be the friend that I should have been, but I'm not taking all the blame this time. I think that the majority of us within the group as a whole have contributed to this, and I think, when we fall out of contact, none of us deserve to ask why.

Wow. How did I get onto that topic?

God Bless.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-11-14T12:10:00.003+11:00

"Crying scares me because it screams the truth"
Pink, Sober

2008-11-13T18:34:00.003+11:00

What matters more than practice
is the fact that you, my audience,
are pulling for me, want me to pull
it off -- this next sleight. Now
you see it. Something more than
whether I succeed's at stake.

This talk is called patter. This
is misdirection -- how my left
hand shows you nothing's in it.
Nothing is. I count on your mistake
of caring. In my right hand your
undoing blooms like cancer.

But I've shown you that already --
empty. Most tricks are done
before you think they've started -- you
who value space more than time.
The balls, the cards, the coins -- they go
into the past, not into my pocket.

If I give you anything, be sure
it's not important. What I keep
keeps me alive -- a truth on which
your interest hinges. We are like
lovers, if you will. Sometimes even
if you don't will. Now you don't.

"Magician", Gary Miranda

Damn, I'm glad they didn't put that last verse on the exam. Would have totally ruined my paragraph about "Now you see it." Besides, it's pretty difficult - the first three stanzas are good, the last one is killer. And it ruins the flow - gives the poem a nice structure, but it doesn't seem to fit right.

But English is over - one week and I'm free. More importantly, I've managed to survive this week without dying. Admittedly, talking to Sandra last night helped quite a bit - I sound stressed out. Hard to believe, right? Me, stressed?

Went to QVM after my English exam, bought a new dress, which was awesome, and thought a little too much - and made a very hard decision on the train back. Now, only another twenty-seven thousand hard decisions and I should be set.

I really have to stop doing the Gatsby thing and delaying happiness.

I'm going to miss English next year - maybe I can still do a PhD on Nick Carraway's sexuality. Anyone want to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with me during the hols? It's based on a book by my man Fitz to the gerald lah! And it has Brad Pitt in it...okay, that's not an incentive. It's like, a...discentive? But yeah. Come!

I am so going to have a lonely ass summer.

And I highly dislike teh fact Elena's boobs look bigger than mine in that pic. As if. As if!

God Bless.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-11-12T16:36:00.002+11:00

No more chem until next year. You have no idea how how how how happy I am. Metaphorical or literal. Or both. I think it's both.

And now I'm going to go call my beloved and make sure that she's alright.

Yes, I am a Wasian loser.

God Bless.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-11-10T19:09:00.005+11:00

And this is the end of math and history for me. I don't even know what to say - math is still one my favourite things in the world, I find it fascinating, amazing, and I will prove that you CAN divide by zero one day. Watch me.

History...I'm going to miss you, Stalin baby.

I would write more, but I should be studying chem. Psht. I am so over practice exams and studying. If I don't know it now, let's face it - I probably never will.

But I will get a seven in chem. I don't care if I fail everything else [okay, yeah, I kind of do, and I'm pretty sure that I may throw myself off a cliff if I get below 41, but...that's beside the point.] I can do chem. I know I can. So why does it sound like I'm trying to convince myself? Psht. Probably because I am. Okay, I am officially a retarded loserface. Who wants new Josh Pyke songs. Mm. Maybe I can download his videos and put them on my iPod. For inspirational purposes, of course....okay, Jess really needs to study.

However, the photos haven't uploaded yet, so I'm going to ramble until they do. And maybe go and read The Crucible since I know a total of one quote from it. "The crazy children are jangling the keys to the kingdom." Oh, oh! And "I kept a cold house." Stupid Elizabeth. If I were her, John's ass would have been out on the street faster than you could say...something really fast. Seriously, what is Miller playing at? Why is religion criticised? It is the only thing that stops Elizabeth from throwing out that cheating scumbag. And we don't kno wthat it's Abigail's fault...if I were her, I would have done the same thing. Okay, so I would have stopped at "John, touch me again! I knew you..." and not done the whole trail thing, but can you blame her? I'm sick of people pinning the whole thing on her - yeah, she's not well in the head. But with a past like hers, it makes sense. If your parents are murdered and you're kept as a servant at seventeen in a oppressive society, the line between love and lust will be a little blurred. It's not like she's felt love before...and Proctor offered her a form of that.

The photos are uploaded and Jess must stop getting emotionally involved with fictional characters.

God Bless.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-11-09T19:02:00.003+11:00

"Hi, I found your number in the paper...it said you were looking for a compassionate lover..."

If you are responsible for this, you are so so so so so so dead. Totally not funny. As if some drunk guy at a pub calls me at 9.45 on a Saturday night...sigh. Why do I attract the psycho, screwed up sort of guys? The god of romance hates me. Curses on you, fate!

God Bless.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

PS. I am so screwed for this week. So so so so so so so so so screwed lah.

2008-11-04T18:44:00.003+11:00

IB HL Physics: We never learnt this in class.

As hard as it is to believe, Papers I and II are over. I never have to do Physics coursework again - and better yet, I think I actually passed. I spent half an hour before the exam panicking and praying, and it got me through - I just visualised myself as a negatively charged conductor, and the ground was earthing me, returning to equilibrium - or maybe even making me positively charged! But I'm so relieved that it's out of the way - and it didn't feel impossible. I felt like I did reasonably well - God gave me the strength to get through it without questioning myself. I literally read one of the MC answers twenty minutes before the exam - it was pretty unreal. It sucked being the only person in the exam room for the last hour though. I was lonely. =( It was strange, not hearing anything else...and not being able to discuss the answers with anyone after the exam! Though that might actually be a good thing...oh well. It's over. One more paper and I never have to do this again.

And note - I am sitting in exactly the same way as Downie in the above pic. Freaky, non? I scared him before the exam - I was getting a little *too* hysterical. Me? Anything but calm? Please.

And Gossip Girl just keeps getting more and more awesome.

Now, to procrastinate!

God Bless.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-10-30T19:06:00.004+11:00

how long have i been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i had to see you
this darkness would turn into light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

i know you didn't bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause i'm so used to living underneath the surface

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i could see you
this stormness would turn into light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and now everything is alright
everything's alright

Lifehouse, Storm

Lord,
Thank You for everything. For getting me this far. For everything in this life You've blessed me with. And I know I've strayed from You, I've fallen, I've messed up, I've not listened...I don't deserve any of this. Yet still You cherish me, still You answer my prayers...there aren't the words to describe how good You are to me. I just pray that You can help me through the upcoming days, keep me sane and close to You, even though I only feel like giving up, giving in, falling apart and throwing this all away - because it'd be easy. I know I need a miracle Lord to get me through the next month, to get me through physics, and I know that I've done nothing to warrant a decent grade in that subject - I just hope, Lord, that whatever happens, You will teach me to see the good in this situation - even if things don't go according to my plan, they will go according to Yours, and Your wisdom is infinite - You know what is to come for me, and I know that in You I can have faith, in You I can seek refuge, in You and only You will I find love...open my heart so that I can receive Your Word, Lord, and be Your servant - though I may not be worthy of the honour.
Amen.

Some of my reasons for believing, my blessings:

God Bless.
lovelove, Jess xxxx

angry big letters!

2008-10-28T16:09:00.002+11:00

I.
HATE.
SWOTVAC.

I mean, really. I haven't studied all year. What makes you think that, just because you give me two weeks off and tell me to be productive that I actually will?

And it's frustrating. because if I really wanted to get into UNSW, I'd realise that if I got a 99+, my screwed up interview would be obliterated.

But then again - I was always going to flunk physics. Even my physics teacher is "surprised" that I'm actually understanding things. It's so disheartening. Sigh.

That is all.

God Bless.

Lovelove, Jess

2008-10-17T18:44:00.002+11:00

Basic applications of physics to real life.
I am a Cepheid variable. I have a defined period within which I expand and become bright, and then I contract due to the forces of gravity and become dim. Through this periodic expansion and contraction, my distance from sanity can be determined. The number of days until exams can also be determined.
Energy is always conserved. This means that in order to invest energy somewhere else, it must be taken from somewhere. Hence, I cannot give a damn about school finishing right now, or be sad about it. To miss school would take energy from my studies.
I am an example of centripetal motion. I get no work done.
Newton's third law - every action has an equal and opposite reaction. What this means is that if you exert a force on something, that something will exert a force that is equal and opposite on you. If you treat me like shit, I'll treat you like shit. Also, nothing that happens can just happen - every action has a consequence. This is also an example of Lenz's law - the current induced by E.m.f will act to oppose the motion that caused it.
Every star that is born, dies. But the bigger you get, the more likely you are to become a black hole or a neutron star - small stars don't last as long and fade into nothingness. Be big, and if you fail, you'll be a really pretty supernova.
Resonance makes loud noises. So resonant with people, relate to them - and not only will you get attention, but you'll never be alone.
Love is pretty much just ionising radiation - it can hurt you if you're exposed to the wrong type for too long by causing chemical reactions and creating free radicals. But in small doses with the right type, it can heal you. I think we all need repeated doses to find the meaning of life, and to destroy the cancerous insecurity within each of us.
God Bless

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-10-12T17:58:00.007+11:00

Elena and I, July 2008

Oh my goodness, what can I say about this insane Twitterbug? She is ah-mazing. I've only gotten to know her over the past two years [we were thrust into the same IB English class] and she's become one of my best friends. We've had our ups and downs [I used to get so frustrated with her] but now...she means a lot to me. And that doesn't describe it properly, but El's just someone who I can talk to about anything - and she won't judge me. Except on the matter of fake tan. 'OH MY GOD JESS DID YOU FAKE TAN?' That sums it up. The other day, in English, Albrecht asked us to think of someone that made us immensely happy - my first thought was Elena. She's my sexy Scotch Twitterbug boyfriend who thinks I have comfy boobs [it's a very long story] and together, we're going to independently create a play [Twitterbug and Banana productions; she's in charge of costuming/set design/lighting/music and I'm scriptwriting/directing.] To finish this off, I'm just going to include a few quotations.

"You're my banana, and when we derive you, we get pawpaw. And when we antiderive you, we get banana plus c, where c equals puppy dog."

"YOU RAISE ME UP...TO MORE THAN I COULD BEEEEEEE *breath* EEEEEEEEEEE!" [Sung while linking arms skipping down Flinders' Street. Yeah, we're losers.]

Elena: I like bananas.
Jess: Bananas being a metaphor for...? *wink*
Elena: No, yellow literal bananas!
Jess: Well, they could be yellow...
Elena: Yellow literal banana fruit!
Jess: The forbidden fruit...?
Elena: Argh!

Elena makes me proud and so very happy. I thank God for you, sweetie - and I love you.

God Bless.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-10-08T22:06:00.004+11:00

Sandra and I, Sept holidays.

I've been meaning to put this pic up for ages - it was such an amazing day. Sandra makes me incredibly happy - she's one of the few people who honest-to-God "get" me, as cliché as that sounds. We had hot chocolates, scoured DFO for sales, caught public transport, discussed our lives and our futures and guys and friends and schools [all the important things]. And generally mocked each other. We came to the conclusion that Sandra epic squared failed for acting like a tool while she eats, and that I'm a major nerd because I was studying in the MC food court. Please. I just got there early and didn't feel like going to the State Library due to some random ass irrational fear. Regardless, Sandra is one of the most insane, most beautiful people I've ever met and I thank God every day for bringing her into my life. I love you honey.

God Bless.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-10-05T19:10:00.002+11:00

Top reasons why Jess cannot wait to finish year 12
No more studying.
No more IB.
No more freaking chemistry.
Actually being allowed to condemn Arthur Miller, say out loud that Tennessee Williams does not want us to love Blanche DuBois and complain about how incredibly annoying Nora Helmer actually is.
Two words: gender studies.
Going into the State Library every day and slaving away at my manuscript. I will be published come university.
Making new friends, and forgetting the mendacity.
No more numbers determining our lives.
Holidays. Holidays. Holidays.
Full time stalking of Josh Pyke. Maybe I can convince him to write the score to my play. That would be cool. Unlikely, but cool.
No more listening to Peterson's certified unrelated to history history rants. Oh my gosh - who am I going to bag out next year?
Moving out and living on my own.
Actually learning how to cook.
SLEEPING. I cannot emphasise this enough.
Practising keyboard and guitar, everyday.
Working out what the hell I'm going to do with my life.
No structure - living for the moment, living in freedom!
Supernatural, Gossip Girl...not that I ever stopped that for year twelve. But I won't feel guilty about it now, will I?
Dedicating myself to my one true love - asserting my Asian-ness.
The opportunity to get as far away from all of this as possible.
Stargazing.
Actually doing something to raise awareness of youth depression and mental illness.
Finding more disturbing parallels between my life and Gossip Girl. Yeah, I'm pathetic.
Clubbing.
Getting my license.
NO MORE PRESSURE AND EXPECTATIONS.
Top things Jess will miss about year 12
The common room.
Stalin.
Physics. Oh, wow - I am a nerd.
That general stress buzz that always exists before a test/exam/extended essay.
Scaring people with innuendo.
Random, stupid convos. "But, what if that spider you didn't kill reproduces and one of its babies becomes radioactive and bites your future child? What if?" "So, uh, how did the spider become radioactive?"
Bagging out Peterson.
A reason to be a bitch.
Pulling late nights - and then not being awake the next day.
Annoying Asians with my Asian-ness.
Perusing IB websites - especially 'You know you're in IB when...' - all under the guise of 'studying'
French lessons. What would I do without those pointless waste of times?

2008-10-02T20:37:00.002+10:00

"No, I don't want to let down, so I'm going to buy you a house and a dog and I'll try to stick around."
Josh Pyke, Don't Wanna Let You Down

To: My muse.
Take advice from my future husband.
Stick around and this summer, I swear I'll realise your potential.
Everyday we'll write together, and our manuscripts will be published.
Just don't leave me now. Because I need you.
And now I'm starting to realise just how pathetic I must sound.
I do adore you.
You're just a total flake.
But you're my flake.
And sadly enough, also my sanity.
I love you.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-09-25T13:09:00.008+10:00

Things Jess will accomplish before practice exams:
Chem practice exams
Chem revision questions
~~Math practice exams~~
Math set work
Read The Crucible
Read A Doll's House
Read A Man For All Seasons
Practice English Essay
~~Read about Stalin~~
Take notes on Zhukov, ~~Stalin,~~ ~~Hitler~~ and Mao.
~~Revise the Cold War.~~
Finish French reading comprehension booklet
Two more French practice essays
~~Prepare for Med interview~~
Physics practice exams
Physics revision questions
Increase French vocabulary.
Sleep.
Yeah, I'm screwed. No life until this list is finished lah. All sevens on practice exams - it can't be *that* hard, can it?

God Bless

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-09-23T11:44:00.002+10:00

UMAT Percentile: 99

Yeah, my life comes down to that number at the moment. I'm pretty high on it. And it'll be the only 99 I get if I don't get back to studying.

I guess God really does bring people into our lives for a reason. And then takes them away so that we actually do practice papers and learn physics. It's nice to be able to finally have some perspective.

And now I actually feel like I can do well at end of years and get a 42. Or 43, depending on how the examiners like my TOK essay. Actually...if I get a B on it and a C on Extended, can I get a 44? *ponders* But maybe I should work on what I can control. Such as questions about x-rays.

God Bless.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-09-15T09:28:00.003+10:00

"I offer you this easy choice,
Instead of dying, living with Me."
The Spill Canvas, Self Conclusion

It's funny how five minutes can achieve what six weeks couldn't. I've never felt as free as I do now. There's no obligations, no having to make room, no having to force myself to feel things I couldn't, no having to make you happy. And that's worth fighting for, I s'pose.

God Bless.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-09-12T16:50:00.002+10:00

"It is amazing and frightening how completely one's whole being becomes absorbed in the making of a play. It is almost as if you were frantically constructing another world while the world you live in dissolves beneath your feet, and that your survival depends on completing this construction at least one second before the old habitation collapses."
Tennessee Williams

That sums it up so perfectly. Williams is at the top of my 'if they weren't gay and dead I'd totally run away to Vegas and elope with them' list. He is a poet. Like Scott Fitzgerald. I am jealous.

lovelove,

Jess xxxx

2008-09-07T21:04:00.002+10:00

"Somewhere weakness is our strength
And I'll die searching for it
I can't let myself regret such selfishness
My pain and all the trouble caused
No matter how long
I believe that there's hope
Buried beneath it all, and
Hiding beneath it all, and
Growing beneath it all"
Paramore, Let The Flames Begin

Some things change. Some things don't. I feel like I'm going insane right now. And it's so pathetic. It's just...loneliness. How can you be constantly surrounded by people, have the most amazing friends in the world, and still have these feelings? I feel like all my livelihood has just been drained, and I don't know why. I think it's five weeks today. I actually have no idea. It doesn't feel like it was real. I think I dreamt it. Or lived a really long nightmare. Combination of both, I s'pose. How can someone be your best friend, your favourite person in the world, and then just go two separate ways like we never met? I feel like I'm partially responsible, I'm not giving him a chance to talk to me, but...I'm not so sure I can handle that right now. Part of me is just like...fuck it, grow up and move on. Don't get me wrong. I'm not doing the whole pathetic ex-girlfriend from hell routine, I don't miss being in that sort of relationship. I just feel like I've lost someone close to me. Which I have. And it's hard coming to terms with that, hard not thinking about him. It's like trying to focus but everything comes back to this one thing. Maybe this is normal. I'm coping, for the most part. It's just that my muse is gone, the headaches and compulsive water drinking have come back (and by compulsive, I mean I've had three litres of water in the past eight hours. I'm starting to think that I'm the reason for the drought.) and I'm not sure what to do. Apart from pray. All this is happening for a reason. It's going to make me stronger. Nothing if life is senseless, random - it is all contributing to a higher purpose, and I have to keep believing that. For my sanity. Otherwise I swear I'm going to have a breakdown. I'm honestly scared that I will. Because I don't know what I should be doing. Yeah, I'm in a ranty sort of mood. I'm sick of having to keep it together and continually beating myself up over this. Because he sure as hell isn't. And how is that fair? I take the moral high ground, and for what reason? Because I'm nice? I could tear strips of that thing, but I don't. I respect him, though he doesn't really deserve it. What difference does it make if you bitch about someone that you'll never speak to again? Maybe I'm afraid of making it permanent. Maybe I secretly want to be friends. But I can't subject myself to that. It's be like sentencing myself to the slaughterhouse.

Moral of the story? Scotch guys. What the hell was I thinking?

God Bless

lovelove, Jess xxx

haru haru, haru haru.

2008-08-30T13:11:00.004+10:00

I guess this just about sums up everything. Though the message kind of confuses me. Anywho, I really need to go study. And learn a term of calculus in about 30 hours.

With God, we are never alone. And no temptation we experience is too much to bear in His Holy Name. For with every temptation, comes relief, often where we least expect it. Even in K-Pop.

I can't think of much else to say right now. I'm sort of feeling a strange emptiness. Not hollowness. Something else and I can't really explain why. Maybe I'm just not used to not stressing out over some piece of internal assessment. But IB has been one of the best choices I've ever made - because I've met so many people I would never have met otherwise. And they manage to cheer me up without even realising what they're doing. I have a new appreciation for so much now. And that sounds really, really cliché. Yet that's essentially what it is.

God works in mysterious ways. But everything happens for a reason, and what's meant to be will be...in His time, not ours.

God Bless.

Lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-08-18T17:20:00.006+10:00

"Tell me anything but lies"
One More Song For Your Myspace page, A Heartwell Ending

Asians gone wild, lah~

This is how I spent University of Melbourne Open Day. By going to MC and hanging with three of the most amazing people in my life, Sandra, Lux and Rose. And the latter two do my make-up...they wanted to up my Asianness from fifty percent to seventy five percent. I think they succeeded, given the weird looks I got waiting for the train last night. But really. They were all amazed by my looks. I was about sixty shades darker than normal and had BLACK eyebrows. I swear, I looked in the mirror last night and was like...hang on. My eyebrows were never that black... It was a bit of whoa-ness. And I just made that word up, evidently. I think the three of us creeped out the Body Shop Staff though. They asked up if we needed help when they were doing my hair...we had to just nod and smile and pretend that this was normal for us. Sadly enough...it kind of is.

But yeah. I have a history in class essay tomorrow. So I need to go read up on that funky thing known as chemical warfare. How depressing.

God Bless.

lovelove, Jess xxxx

2008-08-10T19:11:00.003+10:00

"We ask these questions, then we cover our ears,
but I think a question unanswered's much worse than an answer you don't want to hear.
When your silence grows wings and your doubts start to travel
now the seams between the virtual and real they unravel now.
What have you done?
Don't you know not to stare into the sun,
but on down that road?"
Josh Pyke, Staring Down The Sun

So yeah. What is left to say? I'm moving on. Without you. I can forgive, and I do. But I can't forget, and I don't want a part of this any more. I met you for a reason, I kept you for a reason, we ended it for a reason. And I'm not holding onto a pointless dream of friendship any longer - it hurts too much. It hurts to watch you walk away and act like we had nothing, but it hurts so much more to cling to this false hope. I'd rather feel the pain now than have to deal with it in November. As the Bond University Admissions officer said to me, it's year 12. I have to be selfish - I want a mark to make me proud, not reflect how screwed up things got. Maybe you'll understand, though I doubt you will. You didn't last night, and you won't ever apologise for the things you said, how absolutely brutal you were. I tried so hard. But let's face it. You don't care. That's the short and long of it. I'm not travelling down any road that may result in my own self-destruction. Honestly, you're not worth it. I'm not apologising any more.

2008-08-07T18:26:00.003+10:00

"And I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand"
Iris, The GooGoo Dolls

Wow. I should be doing homework. I haven't touched anything in days. My head keeps spinning. I can't sleep. I eat, but only to fill the emptiness. I hate how hollow you've made me. I wake up, and it's there. I try to sleep, it's there. I lose focus for a second, and it's there. I was asked today if it hurts that much, and I looked down at the ground and just nodded. You don't get it. All my friends tell me that I'm doing well. I don't believe them. If I was doing well, I'd be coping. I'm not. I can't cry anymore - I get teary, maybe, but that's about it. You're stuck in my head and I can't get you out. And it's frustrating. Because I deserved better. No girl should be treated in the way you treated me. And you don't get that. You deserve to be hurt. You should be feeling this way - not me. I shouldn't forgive you so readily, but I do. I forgive you more easily than I forgive myself. I know I'm beautiful. I know I'm amazing. But you make me doubt that. I doubt my own worth. And what happens to you? You get away from this thing scot-free. Like you care whether I live or die. Like you care how I feel right now. Do you know how much that hurts? You meant so much to be. You weren't just a boyfriend, you were my best friend. I'm the one that's lost, not you. And I'm the one who actually tried. Did you ever try to please me? In the last four months? Of course you didn't. Not emotionally, anyway. Anything else, that's debatable. Though I think it was more about your pleasure than mine. And I'm never going to get an apology for this. I just wish you knew how it felt to be in my shoes. To be so ready to get over your mistakes - you fucking told me that if I walked away, I'd mean nothing to you. You told me you didn't want to be with me - because I was depressed. You broke up with me because I wanted to take things slowly. You were more enthusiastic to see my friends than you ever were me. You got bored. You objectified me. Made me into your real life sex-toy. Exploited my fucking need to make you happy.

And still I want to be friends. What am I, masochistic?

I pray for the strength to get through it, and some minutes are easier than others. And I forgive you for everything. Sadly, if you read this, you'd probably think 'Go away, Christian girl.' Or something along those lines. And it makes me sad that you'll never know God like I do. That even though I feel empty now, my faith will shelter me. Maybe you'll come to know Him one day. I hope you do. To learn to live for something more than yourself.

If you want to crash and burn, you're not alone.

2008-07-29T17:07:00.004+10:00

"I believe the impossible is possible to overcome, I believe in miracles..."
Delta Goodrem, Believe Again
Megan m'a donné une commentaire, donc, je vais écrire au lieu d'étudier, même si l'UMAT est demain. *sigh* It's strange. The UMAT is everything. My future depends on this one exam...and I'm not having panic attacks. Then again, I am looking up everything to do with Medicine just in case it doesn't work out...I figure if I've already printed off the application forms, I'll fill them out because it'll allow me to procrastinate some more. Yeah, I know, it's a terrible attitude to have. But I feel fairly confident regardless. Whatever happens happens, my faith is in the Lord. I've tried to maximise my abilities, because I think this is what He wants of me - but maybe it's not, and the UMAT will tell me. And if not, prayer is always the solution. What God wants will find a way, and my responsibility is to make the most of my potential while opening my heart so that his message will be received by my soul. But I will do some more practice tonight. I really want this, because psychiatry is what I've wanted to do for years...even when I was eleven or twelve, I always wanted to do psychology, and though that dream has left me at times, it's always come back to me. I've been told that I'm putting too much into this goal, that it's the be all and end all - to a degree, they're right. But at the same time, I know I can deal with not getting in. Twelve months ago, I would be a wreck should I not have gotten in. But now...there's this inner sense of peace. I'm doing all I can, but maybe this isn't my destiny. Some of the most wonderful things in life come by what we, as humans, perceive as "chance" - I met one of my very best friends by being assigned to being her buddy on year ten orientation day. I love physics, though it is also the bane of my existence at times, but how did I find myself in that class? A spur of the moment decision. Without it, I would not have the appreciation of the world that I have today. Are we prepared to dismiss all the good that has happened to us in life as nothing but "luck"? I don't think so. Everything happens for a reason, it cannot be divided into good fortune and misfortune - the good things in our lives have come from God, and equally so have the bad. Everyone has bad experiences - what I've been through probably does not compare to those who have lived in war torn countries, seen the Holocaust, but I know that I am ultimately a stronger person for it. So, how does that apply to those who have grown up amidst poverty, have felt little but pain? How can any supreme being, any deity let that happen? I don't have an exact answer, and probably won't ever - Liz has a long list of questions to ask God, and chances are that I won't get a chance to ask Him any questions for a long time - unless, of course, I die first. That was an inside joke. But I postulate that God has done this, not only for their sakes, as there is something to come out of that experience, perhaps an appreciation of the smaller things, the simple pleasures, but also to teach all of us a lesson, show us how to be better people, to appreciate our own lives. How do you feel when you see the victims of crime? Images of Iraq? That sense of empathy can be transferred across into our own lives. Television, newspapers - all mediums for conveying this message. I don't think it sound far-fetched; God ultimately wants us to be better people, to live out His Holy Word. The most poignant example of this is the death of Jesus - through His suffering, we were saved. I'm not by any means saying that suffering is good, but it is far from senseless. It happens for a reason - God wants us to learn, to change the world, and we can't change if we aren't aware of why we should. There are no accidents, only God's little mysteries.

God Bless.

love,
Jess xxxx

2008-05-02T17:29:00.004+10:00

"Something so right but feels so terribly wrong"
Darren Hayes, Strange Relationship

I should be studying. As usual, I'm not. It's Friday night and I've had five long days. That's my reasoning anyway. It's not really true and I promise I'll have my major French oral and one prac written by the end of the night. Or I won't sleep. Or just deprive myself of the football. And it's going to be a great game tonight. Providing there is a slaughter of West Coast with my beloved kicking twenty nine goals. Ah, that would be bliss.

Okay, so maybe I need a life. Just a little. But I'm in year twelve. Therefore my life consists solely of procrastination, last minute cramming and general not having a life-ness.

It's weird. I've spent two or so paragraphs rambling, ranting and raving. I know nothing of hardship. We had a Holocaust survivor speak to us today. It amazes me, the resilience of the men and women who, as teens, had to make the decision to live or die. To keep the fire alive for one more day when liberation would have seemed forever away, to maintain their spirit even though they ran the risk of death every waking moment. It's something I can't understand - would I have wanted to keep going? Or would I have just lay down in the snow and let the war play out, giving up on the notion of surviving? It scares me, that very question, because I don't know what the answer is.

We worry about numbers. 45. 7. 99.95. 50.

We worry about letters. A. B. C. S. N.

We worry about abbreviations. EE. WL. IE. SAC.

We worry about nothing.

As year twelves, we base our lives around this sort of stuff, we are scared of failure. Of fucking failure. It's...insignificant. This doesn't determine who we are. What we become. Is this what life is about? I don't think so. I think there are lessons to be learned from the Holocaust, other than hatred is the most vicious, most deadly disease that can penetrate our beings. I'm not going to dispute that that's the most important lesson we can take away from the senseless murder of six million people based on religion, race, disability, sexuality and occupation.

But I think we need to live our lives, live them properly - knowing that six million people never had that chance. Generations of people who will never have the chance to experience what we take for granted - the little things. Sunlight. A cool breeze on a summer's day. A thunderstorm. Love. Family. Friendship. A hug when you're down.

Even all the "bad" things that we go through. Sadness, depression, anger - would we have life without them? I think we need to know the lows to fully appreciate the highs. Nothing's perfect - and surely a life that's not perfect is better than no life at all?

2008-04-26T11:29:00.005+10:00

"I've longed to discover something as true as this is...so with one thousand sweet kisses..."
RENT I'll Cover You

I feel like I've a million things to say but I can never find the words to say them. I've never been one for clarity. Or staying on task. *looks guiltily over at to do list.*

The idea of miscommunication has been lingering at the back of my mind for a while now. I guess we lie to protect ourselves. Or sometimes we don't know how to respond, trying to give the right answer instead of how we actually feel. And that's easy to do. So concerned are we with our perception that we wind up blocking ourselves off from our emotions, and ultimately, from the people we care about. We're constantly told that communication is key, and for the most part, that holds true, because if you can't be honest with someone, you can never commit yourself to someone. And I'm slowly discovering that. It's easier to hate than to love, but the latter is ultimately more fulfilling.

I suppose it's decision time really. Either to continue things the way they are, watching them constantly fall apart, or to take initiative in the silence. What's that cliché line that the Body Shop uses? Be the change you want to see.

I never realised how closed off I was, or am, I'm not really sure, until recently. I was taking a shower and suddenly all was clear. I complain about not being able to talk or whatever when I'm prolonging the silence. I whine about every mistake, every flaw, when I'm not even making how I feel clear.

From now on, I'm making a commitment. Because what we have, what we could have, deserves that.

I can't read your mind, in case it wasn't obvious
From my constant stream of "What's going on
In that head of yours?" I want to know, I really do,
Even though I can't admit that, can't express that,
Just like I can't tell you anything else, how the sound
Of your fingers against your keyboard annoys me when
I'm on the other end of the line, and how I always seem to find out
How much you enjoyed yourself, how excited you are to see me
From other girls. Yet I can see your reasoning - I never seem to care
Especially when I can't even sustain a conversation with you, and I
Second guess my every response, ponder every word I say, trying to
Find the right answer instead of just saying what I think. I'm not an
Open book, and I can't freely say how I feel, the way you're on my mind
All the time, how every thought, every discussion has an uncanny knack
For coming back to you. How I check my phone every break just to see
If you've texted, and if you haven't, I just stare at my background, that photo
Of us, my favourite - us together, smiling, arms around one another. I have
Every photo of you on my iPod, and whenever I'm upset, or I miss you, I scroll
Through them, falling more in love with your smile every time. Yet you have
No idea how much I care, and it's the same for me - only recently have I
Discovered how much I mean to you. And somehow, it's mainly by accident - I
Wish you were the one telling me. I wish I could hear your voice saying that
You loved my eyeliner, or I looked gorgeous, or you can't wait to the formal because
You get to see me. I love the fact you talk about me, and how you love running your
Fingers through my hair, but still...I'd love it more it you spoke about me to me. So
That I have the confidence to confess all these things to you, how good it feels to be in
Your arms, or to have you resting on my shoulder, and that cute half-smile thing you do,
And the stupid excuses you use as reasons for me to kiss you, how much I miss lying next
To you and the way your lips feel as they touch my neck. All these things I've never told you,
Though I hope I can learn to, giving up incessant need to be ice cold, because...I want this
To work. I want this to last just as you do. And I've never told you that
But today, maybe I will.

Never Told You

2008-04-25T19:26:00.011+10:00

I have way too many half-written poems in my head.

"I have a haiku poem inside of my
head but the words are written in invisible ink"
Darren Hayes, I Just Want
You to Love Me

That pretty much sums it up quite nicely.

Anywho, ANZAC Day weekend. I should be cramming for chem. Because knowing how to draw a molecular structure will definitely come in handy one day. *sigh* Chemistry and I have a very love-hate relationship. And that n = cv formula. Which always appears in my head as n = c/v and means that jess winds up writing up chem pracs five times. And will still probably only get a 2 for conclusion and evaluation. Oh well. We have...six pracs left. Six chances to get a three. Three chances to get two threes. The probability of that isn't too bad. I only have to increase the standard of my work by...fifty percent.

Wow. Really should have done higher math instead of higher chem.

*squee* I love this song!

"If I have understood correctly, velocity is the distance
travelled divided by time. I've read every word ever printed on quantum
physics and now it is time to try."
Darren Hayes, How To Build A Time Machine

And people say I'm a nerd. Psht. As if.

But yeah. Time to get back to work. If I want to actually pass chem. And IB in general. Because this pesky little thing I call my EE needs to get done yesterday. *sigh*

I taught myself to hate you

For the fear of loving you

Said once, never again,

Afraid that you'd hurt me

Once more. Unintentional, maybe,

But that doesn't change the past

And all the sleepless nights I spent

Awake underneath my blankets, turning

Relentlessly, as if it was happening over and over

Blown out of proportion in my mind.

I'm scared of committing myself, and it's obvious from

The way I can't be honest, avoid the subject,

I know I'm blocking myself off from you, and I don't want to

I just can't let go. I can't be vulnerable, no matter

How much I trust you. Instead, I build the anger within,

Fanning my hatred for you, taking every little thing you say

That can be taken the wrong way

And use it against you, forgetting the forehead kisses and

Holding hands, the sound of your voice, the moments of perfect intimacy,

How it felt to hear you sing for me and confess that I

Was your favourite audience. No, none of that works for me,

I need you to screw up, so that we can break up,

And I can run away from the best thing that's happened to me

For a long, long time. You're amazing. Wonderful. I treasure

Every minute I'm in contact with you, that I'm thinking of you

- It sickens me to consider giving you up. But the possibility still lingers,

As to wound myself now seems a small price to pay if it means

That I can avoid the heartache of losing you after loving you.

I want to give myself up to you, all my fears, to surrender and hope that

You care enough not to rip me apart, disregard my feelings and lead me on.

But I can't, not alone. Yet...

I promise you that I'll try to relinquish these doubts,

Try to leave my shell and enter this relationship if you help me.

If you guide me and have patience, I'll let myself love you, one day,

Giving up lessons learned in hating you.

Lessons Learned in Hating You