Monday, December 08, 2008
i hate the way that timing works for me.
i think about a year ago today, and then,
then you ring and i can't help but feel
like i'm running away, again, like i've
led you on this entire time, but right now,
right now i can't do this, i'm not ready
for a guy like you, who might be able to make
me feel something, remind me that a heart
within me beats, that i'm more than a shadow,
a soulless corpse, animated despite her demise,
and all i want is to pick up, to say i'm sorry,
to say i'll give this a chance, but i'm still
entertaining notions of instant affection,
love at first sight, and, in all honesty, we
could have something, but my heart won't let
me believe, and i'm not expecting you to
understand, i'm not wanting your sympathy,
but nothing's ever going to happen until i'm
stronger, i'm happy with who i am, i know
myself, because i'm not putting myself through
another manipulation, no guy is worth that risk,
i'm not losing myself again.
yeah.
another phone call.
another panic attack.
i didn't answer.
sigh.
speech night tonight, yay!
actually, i'm not excited.
i'm not sure why i'm going.
but i am and there's nothing i can do
but make the most of it.
some guy hollered at me
from his car today.
second time in two weeks.
it's the hair.
and i made rumballs!
well, really, just balls.
because there's no rum.
but that would sound wrong.
peace out & God bless
lovelove, jess xx
Labels: freedom, poetry, rambling, rumballs, year 12