Friday, January 16, 2009
i think a lot of people think that i'm entitled to hate you,
that i should,
or that i do.
i don't.
maybe it'd be easier if i did.
but at the same time, i don't care about you.
i would never hurt you
and that's got nothing to do with not having moved on.
i know i'm over you.
that doesn't make it easier.
and i don't know what will play out in the next two weeks.
or what i'm going to do if the simultaneously best and worst thing occurs.
i have no idea how i'm going to deal.
and it's horrible, but the only thing that gets me through
is knowing that you miss me too.
one day i'll stop writing letters that i'll never send
but i guess that was always our tradition.
the difference is that you'll never see this one.
sometimes you fight for something
and though you try hard,
it's not meant to work.
i don't really blame anyone.
yeah, you acted like a jerk,
but i made mistakes too,
but i'm never going to apologise for them.
everything happens for a reason.
i know who i am.
i know that i can deal with anything.
hell, i got an A in tok.
that essay was handed in a day after we broke up.
if that's not resilience, i don't know what is.
i've achieved things i never thought possible
with and without you.
you taught me a lot about who i am
though i doubt it was your intention
and it was hard.
the whole relationship was hard.
but, at the end of the day,
it was "grits for my mill", in the words of my english teacher.
i don't have any regrets.
i'm not going to sit here and be sad about it.
i don't have time, and i'm tired of it.
i'm eighteen. i have my whole life ahead of me.
why would i let a teenage crush hold me back?
i'm not really sure why i'm writing this
but i just want to rationalise.
to take fifteen minutes and reflect.
to explain that revenge isn't a dream, a goal, an aspiration,
it's just another way of getting by.
honestly, i'm scared of seeing you again,
i really am.
because like i said, i don't know how i'm going to react
and having all these comebacks makes it easier
because i feel just a little prepared.
i think that's everything.
for the last time, jess xxxx
that i should,
or that i do.
i don't.
maybe it'd be easier if i did.
but at the same time, i don't care about you.
i would never hurt you
and that's got nothing to do with not having moved on.
i know i'm over you.
that doesn't make it easier.
and i don't know what will play out in the next two weeks.
or what i'm going to do if the simultaneously best and worst thing occurs.
i have no idea how i'm going to deal.
and it's horrible, but the only thing that gets me through
is knowing that you miss me too.
one day i'll stop writing letters that i'll never send
but i guess that was always our tradition.
the difference is that you'll never see this one.
sometimes you fight for something
and though you try hard,
it's not meant to work.
i don't really blame anyone.
yeah, you acted like a jerk,
but i made mistakes too,
but i'm never going to apologise for them.
everything happens for a reason.
i know who i am.
i know that i can deal with anything.
hell, i got an A in tok.
that essay was handed in a day after we broke up.
if that's not resilience, i don't know what is.
i've achieved things i never thought possible
with and without you.
you taught me a lot about who i am
though i doubt it was your intention
and it was hard.
the whole relationship was hard.
but, at the end of the day,
it was "grits for my mill", in the words of my english teacher.
i don't have any regrets.
i'm not going to sit here and be sad about it.
i don't have time, and i'm tired of it.
i'm eighteen. i have my whole life ahead of me.
why would i let a teenage crush hold me back?
i'm not really sure why i'm writing this
but i just want to rationalise.
to take fifteen minutes and reflect.
to explain that revenge isn't a dream, a goal, an aspiration,
it's just another way of getting by.
honestly, i'm scared of seeing you again,
i really am.
because like i said, i don't know how i'm going to react
and having all these comebacks makes it easier
because i feel just a little prepared.
i think that's everything.
for the last time, jess xxxx
Thursday, January 15, 2009
four days.
one thousand, three hundred and eighty-eight applicants.
one hundred and twenty-nine places.
i think that says everything.
thank goodness for work.
i don't think that i'd survive the next few days without it.
yay for cleaning the storeroom.
i don't know what scares me more.
failing to obtain a place
or getting in.
purely out of fear for what might ensue.
what if i hate it?
what if i drop out and have effectively deprived someone of a place?
what am i going to do if i don't get in?
especially if i know people who don't want it do?
is this even right for me?
i freaking hate waiting.
one thousand, three hundred and eighty-eight applicants.
one hundred and twenty-nine places.
i think that says everything.
thank goodness for work.
i don't think that i'd survive the next few days without it.
yay for cleaning the storeroom.
i don't know what scares me more.
failing to obtain a place
or getting in.
purely out of fear for what might ensue.
what if i hate it?
what if i drop out and have effectively deprived someone of a place?
what am i going to do if i don't get in?
especially if i know people who don't want it do?
is this even right for me?
i freaking hate waiting.