"It is amazing and frightening how completely one's whole being becomes absorbed in the making of a play. It is almost as if you were frantically constructing another world while the world you live in dissolves beneath your feet, and that your survival depends on completing this construction at least one second before the old habitation collapses."
Tennessee Williams

That sums it up so perfectly. Williams is at the top of my 'if they weren't gay and dead I'd totally run away to Vegas and elope with them' list. He is a poet. Like Scott Fitzgerald. I am jealous.

lovelove,

Jess xxxx

"Somewhere weakness is our strength
And I'll die searching for it
I can't let myself regret such selfishness
My pain and all the trouble caused
No matter how long
I believe that there's hope
Buried beneath it all, and
Hiding beneath it all, and
Growing beneath it all"
Paramore, Let The Flames Begin

Some things change. Some things don't. I feel like I'm going insane right now. And it's so pathetic. It's just...loneliness. How can you be constantly surrounded by people, have the most amazing friends in the world, and still have these feelings? I feel like all my livelihood has just been drained, and I don't know why. I think it's five weeks today. I actually have no idea. It doesn't feel like it was real. I think I dreamt it. Or lived a really long nightmare. Combination of both, I s'pose. How can someone be your best friend, your favourite person in the world, and then just go two separate ways like we never met? I feel like I'm partially responsible, I'm not giving him a chance to talk to me, but...I'm not so sure I can handle that right now. Part of me is just like...fuck it, grow up and move on. Don't get me wrong. I'm not doing the whole pathetic ex-girlfriend from hell routine, I don't miss being in that sort of relationship. I just feel like I've lost someone close to me. Which I have. And it's hard coming to terms with that, hard not thinking about him. It's like trying to focus but everything comes back to this one thing. Maybe this is normal. I'm coping, for the most part. It's just that my muse is gone, the headaches and compulsive water drinking have come back (and by compulsive, I mean I've had three litres of water in the past eight hours. I'm starting to think that I'm the reason for the drought.) and I'm not sure what to do. Apart from pray. All this is happening for a reason. It's going to make me stronger. Nothing if life is senseless, random - it is all contributing to a higher purpose, and I have to keep believing that. For my sanity. Otherwise I swear I'm going to have a breakdown. I'm honestly scared that I will. Because I don't know what I should be doing. Yeah, I'm in a ranty sort of mood. I'm sick of having to keep it together and continually beating myself up over this. Because he sure as hell isn't. And how is that fair? I take the moral high ground, and for what reason? Because I'm nice? I could tear strips of that thing, but I don't. I respect him, though he doesn't really deserve it. What difference does it make if you bitch about someone that you'll never speak to again? Maybe I'm afraid of making it permanent. Maybe I secretly want to be friends. But I can't subject myself to that. It's be like sentencing myself to the slaughterhouse.

Moral of the story? Scotch guys. What the hell was I thinking?

God Bless

lovelove, Jess xxx