Thursday, August 07, 2008
"And I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand"
Iris, The GooGoo DollsWow. I should be doing homework. I haven't touched anything in days. My head keeps spinning. I can't sleep. I eat, but only to fill the emptiness. I hate how hollow you've made me. I wake up, and it's there. I try to sleep, it's there. I lose focus for a second, and it's there. I was asked today if it hurts that much, and I looked down at the ground and just nodded. You don't get it. All my friends tell me that I'm doing well. I don't believe them. If I was doing well, I'd be coping. I'm not. I can't cry anymore - I get teary, maybe, but that's about it. You're stuck in my head and I can't get you out. And it's frustrating. Because I deserved better. No girl should be treated in the way you treated me. And you don't get that. You deserve to be hurt. You should be feeling this way - not me. I shouldn't forgive you so readily, but I do. I forgive you more easily than I forgive myself. I know I'm beautiful. I know I'm amazing. But you make me doubt that. I doubt my own worth. And what happens to you? You get away from this thing scot-free. Like you care whether I live or die. Like you care how I feel right now. Do you know how much that hurts? You meant so much to be. You weren't just a boyfriend, you were my best friend. I'm the one that's lost, not you. And I'm the one who actually tried. Did you ever try to please me? In the last four months? Of course you didn't. Not emotionally, anyway. Anything else, that's debatable. Though I think it was more about your pleasure than mine. And I'm never going to get an apology for this. I just wish you knew how it felt to be in my shoes. To be so ready to get over your mistakes - you fucking told me that if I walked away, I'd mean nothing to you. You told me you didn't want to be with me - because I was depressed. You broke up with me because I wanted to take things slowly. You were more enthusiastic to see my friends than you ever were me. You got bored. You objectified me. Made me into your real life sex-toy. Exploited my fucking need to make you happy.
And still I want to be friends. What am I, masochistic?
I pray for the strength to get through it, and some minutes are easier than others. And I forgive you for everything. Sadly, if you read this, you'd probably think 'Go away, Christian girl.' Or something along those lines. And it makes me sad that you'll never know God like I do. That even though I feel empty now, my faith will shelter me. Maybe you'll come to know Him one day. I hope you do. To learn to live for something more than yourself.
Labels: God, googoo dolls, procrastinating, ranting