Wednesday, December 10, 2008
"being able to survive it doesn't mean that it was ever okay"
that's my thought of the day. i don't feel like writing, i don't feel like talking - there's nothing left to say. i think that this, right here and now, is the end of a lot of my relationships. and the start of many new ones. i can't see myself moving forward at the moment if i stay where i am, and though it hurts to say goodbye, i don't think that i have a choice anymore.
take that as you will.
Monday, December 08, 2008
i hate the way that timing works for me.
i think about a year ago today, and then,
then you ring and i can't help but feel
like i'm running away, again, like i've
led you on this entire time, but right now,
right now i can't do this, i'm not ready
for a guy like you, who might be able to make
me feel something, remind me that a heart
within me beats, that i'm more than a shadow,
a soulless corpse, animated despite her demise,
and all i want is to pick up, to say i'm sorry,
to say i'll give this a chance, but i'm still
entertaining notions of instant affection,
love at first sight, and, in all honesty, we
could have something, but my heart won't let
me believe, and i'm not expecting you to
understand, i'm not wanting your sympathy,
but nothing's ever going to happen until i'm
stronger, i'm happy with who i am, i know
myself, because i'm not putting myself through
another manipulation, no guy is worth that risk,
i'm not losing myself again.
yeah.
another phone call.
another panic attack.
i didn't answer.
sigh.
speech night tonight, yay!
actually, i'm not excited.
i'm not sure why i'm going.
but i am and there's nothing i can do
but make the most of it.
some guy hollered at me
from his car today.
second time in two weeks.
it's the hair.
and i made rumballs!
well, really, just balls.
because there's no rum.
but that would sound wrong.
peace out & God bless
lovelove, jess xx
Labels: freedom, poetry, rambling, rumballs, year 12
Sunday, December 07, 2008
"The day door is closed
The echoes fill your soul
They won't say which way to go
Just trust your heart
To find what you're here for
Open another door
But I'm not sure anymore
It's just so hard
The voices in my head
Tell me they know best
Got me on the edge
They're pushin', pushin'
They're pushin'
I know they've got a plan
But the ball's in my hands
This time it's man-to-man
I'm droppin', fightin'
It's time to...
Whole world's upside down
Spinning faster
What do I do now?
'Cause I choke
I don't know where to go
What's the right team?
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't choose, so confused
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream
I'm kickin' down the walls
I gotta make 'em fall
Just break through them all
I'm pushin', crashin'
I'm gonna fight to find myself
Me and no one else
Which way I get down
Searchin', searchin
Can't find a road that I should take
I should, tomorrow left us
It's like nothing works without you
I don't know where to go
What's the right team?
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't choose, so confused
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream
Yeah, the clock's running down
Hear the crowd gettin' loud
I'm consumed by the sound
Is it hurt?
Is it love?
Can the music ever be enough?
Gotta work it out
Work it out
You can do it, you can do it
I don't know where to go
What's the right team?
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't choose, so confused
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream (x2) "
SCREAM, High School Musical 3
that sort of sums it up.
i had the worst dream last night.
there were two, actually.
one was about me getting 32 in ib.
i know it sounds terrible,
but i wouldn't cope with that.
and i know i need to be able to
because there is a distinct chance
that i'm going to get it
because honestly,
i flunked five of my final exams.
i am so freaking screwed.
the other dream involved trams.
i was on a tram going to plc,
and it didn't stop there.
so i got off and got on the next tram.
which also didn't let me off.
so i got on another tram
and it went off the tracks
because there was a traffic jam
on the tracks.
so, it took a back route
and wound up at scotch.
and started floating up in the air
and i got quite freaked out.
mrs. collin was livid at the tram.
and then i had to answer questions
in front of a crowd of scotchies
with jancy, i think.
weird much?
i'm still recovering from that 32 though.
i hope i'm not psychic.
i have to do better than that.
and i have three weeks.
i'm scared.
in other news, my muse is being a dick.
again.
i have a yearning for prose
but no characters.
i even have the concept!
le sigh.
a year ago, i had it all worked out,
i was going to be studious, i was going
to come out on top, full marks to my name,
no one could tell me what to do, baby,
i was in control, i knew it all, i was fine,
and freedom seemed impossible, a dream.
now it's here and reality is staring at me
with those big, blank eyes and all i can see
is an empty future, nothingness, failure,
and it's approaching rapidly, it's imminent,
and i can't stop it, can't change the past that's
causing my tomorrows to be this way.
i was supposed to be perfect, the nerd, the girl
who was going to be on the billboards next year,
but what am i now? hopeless, a disaster,
succumbing to the demons i fought so hard to defeat,
the antithesis to everything i believe, a shell,
a faint shadow of that person, sure, she was fucked up
but she had hopes. she had friends. she had something.
a year ago, this darkness didn't seem so bad, this fate,
not so real, life was simple, i could do it, i could win,
and now it just feels like i've lost, given up everything,
made the ultimate gamble only to have it all fall through,
and everyday just seems the same, nothing in which to
find solace, to seek relief, to place my fears, nowhere
to escape to, and i can't stand it. i never planned
to sustain the life i used to have, but i never realised
it would hurt so much to leave it behind, to surrender it,
to move on from who i used to be, to embrace my inner
challenges that seem so deeply a part of me. a year ago
to date, i was a child, a little girl, a hopeless romantic,
naive and innocent, despite appearances, i was willing
to sacrifice all my habits, though in them i found salvation,
i wanted to be something more, and now, i'm hardened,
cynical, and everything i've ever loved has only hurt,
so why not accept what brings you pain
if it also brings escape, relief, and delays the onset
of the inevitable failure tomorrow will only bring?
well, that sums up my mood.
gosh, i need to get out of the house
before i lose my mind. again.
peace out & God bless.
lovelove, jess xx
The echoes fill your soul
They won't say which way to go
Just trust your heart
To find what you're here for
Open another door
But I'm not sure anymore
It's just so hard
The voices in my head
Tell me they know best
Got me on the edge
They're pushin', pushin'
They're pushin'
I know they've got a plan
But the ball's in my hands
This time it's man-to-man
I'm droppin', fightin'
It's time to...
Whole world's upside down
Spinning faster
What do I do now?
'Cause I choke
I don't know where to go
What's the right team?
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't choose, so confused
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream
I'm kickin' down the walls
I gotta make 'em fall
Just break through them all
I'm pushin', crashin'
I'm gonna fight to find myself
Me and no one else
Which way I get down
Searchin', searchin
Can't find a road that I should take
I should, tomorrow left us
It's like nothing works without you
I don't know where to go
What's the right team?
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't choose, so confused
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream
Yeah, the clock's running down
Hear the crowd gettin' loud
I'm consumed by the sound
Is it hurt?
Is it love?
Can the music ever be enough?
Gotta work it out
Work it out
You can do it, you can do it
I don't know where to go
What's the right team?
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't choose, so confused
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream (x2) "
SCREAM, High School Musical 3
that sort of sums it up.
i had the worst dream last night.
there were two, actually.
one was about me getting 32 in ib.
i know it sounds terrible,
but i wouldn't cope with that.
and i know i need to be able to
because there is a distinct chance
that i'm going to get it
because honestly,
i flunked five of my final exams.
i am so freaking screwed.
the other dream involved trams.
i was on a tram going to plc,
and it didn't stop there.
so i got off and got on the next tram.
which also didn't let me off.
so i got on another tram
and it went off the tracks
because there was a traffic jam
on the tracks.
so, it took a back route
and wound up at scotch.
and started floating up in the air
and i got quite freaked out.
mrs. collin was livid at the tram.
and then i had to answer questions
in front of a crowd of scotchies
with jancy, i think.
weird much?
i'm still recovering from that 32 though.
i hope i'm not psychic.
i have to do better than that.
and i have three weeks.
i'm scared.
in other news, my muse is being a dick.
again.
i have a yearning for prose
but no characters.
i even have the concept!
le sigh.
a year ago, i had it all worked out,
i was going to be studious, i was going
to come out on top, full marks to my name,
no one could tell me what to do, baby,
i was in control, i knew it all, i was fine,
and freedom seemed impossible, a dream.
now it's here and reality is staring at me
with those big, blank eyes and all i can see
is an empty future, nothingness, failure,
and it's approaching rapidly, it's imminent,
and i can't stop it, can't change the past that's
causing my tomorrows to be this way.
i was supposed to be perfect, the nerd, the girl
who was going to be on the billboards next year,
but what am i now? hopeless, a disaster,
succumbing to the demons i fought so hard to defeat,
the antithesis to everything i believe, a shell,
a faint shadow of that person, sure, she was fucked up
but she had hopes. she had friends. she had something.
a year ago, this darkness didn't seem so bad, this fate,
not so real, life was simple, i could do it, i could win,
and now it just feels like i've lost, given up everything,
made the ultimate gamble only to have it all fall through,
and everyday just seems the same, nothing in which to
find solace, to seek relief, to place my fears, nowhere
to escape to, and i can't stand it. i never planned
to sustain the life i used to have, but i never realised
it would hurt so much to leave it behind, to surrender it,
to move on from who i used to be, to embrace my inner
challenges that seem so deeply a part of me. a year ago
to date, i was a child, a little girl, a hopeless romantic,
naive and innocent, despite appearances, i was willing
to sacrifice all my habits, though in them i found salvation,
i wanted to be something more, and now, i'm hardened,
cynical, and everything i've ever loved has only hurt,
so why not accept what brings you pain
if it also brings escape, relief, and delays the onset
of the inevitable failure tomorrow will only bring?
well, that sums up my mood.
gosh, i need to get out of the house
before i lose my mind. again.
peace out & God bless.
lovelove, jess xx
Labels: dreams and nightmares, epic squared failed, exams, freedom, high school musical, holidays, lyrics, muse, poetry, public transport