Tuesday, December 02, 2008
i used to be afraid of feeling empty.
of having that hollow pit inside my stomach that kept me up at night.
but now i've realised my only fear is not feeling anything at all.
i was talking to liz today, and, as everyone knows, i'm only really good at talking about three things.
1. life.
2. grades/school.
3. screwed up relationships.
so, of course, jess got into a bit of a rant about certain people.
probably not aided by the year elevens from a certain school on the tram.
but it scared me that, while i was talking about it, i felt nothing.
i was just so detached from it - and i think that's worse than emptiness.
emptiness kills, but you know you're alive.
nothingness - it's like being emotionally dead.
i could think about anything right now
about the worst moments in the relationship
and the most i'd feel is - 'oh, right.'
okay, so that's not entirely true.
maybe 'psht, yeah, he's a dick'
and then that would be it.
I'M NOT USED TO FEELING NOTHING.
i'm used to being the most strung out, emotional person everrrr.
well, thsi has to be better than hatred, yeah?
except it's killing my play, yo!
i need to have my heart broken again.
any takers?
okay. so that has to be the weirdest request ever made.
then again, without those sort of requests
we wouldn't have any bdsm.
and the sex industry would die.
we're all very concerned about that. *rolls eyes*
on the up side, i tried to write a poem.
and then realised that i couldn't.
because essentially, i'd be lying to myself.
it started with 'i tried to tell myself i'm over you'
and well, yeah, i sort of completely am.
it kills me to say this
but peterson is right. we all make it in the end.
so i'm ready for the next phase of my life.
i'm ready for whatever God gives me next.
mm, i think that this has been the entrée.
and now bring on the main meal.
again, jess is making silly metaphors
and her mind is misconstruing them as innuendos.
the fact that i struggled to spell that word scares me.
you'd think i'd be good at it by now.
okay. now for important messages.
LIZ. I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS.
WATCH GOSSIP GIRL TOMORROW NIGHT.
and then we canbitch about danfangirl over chucksee ourselves in the characters
discuss.
aiyoh. i think i promised myself that i would write a poem a day.
three days and i'm already running out of inspiration.
INSPIRE ME.
ooh, quizzy thing.
Your rainbow is intensely shaded violet, orange, and red.
What is says about you: You are a passionate person. You appreciate a challenge. Others are amazed at how you don't give up. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.
and why won't it center?
AIYOH LAH.
it originally had a graphic
and was cooler
but html hates me lah.
four hours later - i found my inspiration.
and i got distracted my scrubs and lost it.
damn that sexy janitor lah!
i have this fear that i'm going to see you,
run into you on the street, on the train,
and i'm not going to recognise who you are,
that in the years to come when my kids scream 'mom,
tell us about your first love', i'll pull out my photo album
and point to your face, tell them about the flowers,
the roses which caused both adoration and angst,
about the formal night that meant the world,
but i won't remember your name, who you were,
even now, i feel your image
slipping through my fingers
and though i harbour no desire to ever go back,
i want to take our mistakes to the future,
i don't want to have suffered through this for no reason,
and i'm scared that i won't remember you,
your eyes, your smile, your errors, your flaws,
because even when we were together
i never could.
and i got distracted my scrubs and lost it.
damn that sexy janitor lah!
i have this fear that i'm going to see you,
run into you on the street, on the train,
and i'm not going to recognise who you are,
that in the years to come when my kids scream 'mom,
tell us about your first love', i'll pull out my photo album
and point to your face, tell them about the flowers,
the roses which caused both adoration and angst,
about the formal night that meant the world,
but i won't remember your name, who you were,
even now, i feel your image
slipping through my fingers
and though i harbour no desire to ever go back,
i want to take our mistakes to the future,
i don't want to have suffered through this for no reason,
and i'm scared that i won't remember you,
your eyes, your smile, your errors, your flaws,
because even when we were together
i never could.
there we go.
i feel better now.
see? SCRUBS IS GOOD FOR ME.
or maybe it's just the forced poetry thing.
SEE MUSEY BABY! WHO'S IN CHARGE NOW?
and why does that conjure up bad thoughts in my head?
oh, right.
because that's how my mind is wired, word.
and i think that's enough for me.
jess needs to prep for monash.
or she is really screwed.
and will wind up doing like...finance next year.
which would kill her.
muchly.
peace out and God bless.
lovelove, jess xxxx
Labels: freedom, friends, holidays, muse, poetry, rambling, summer