Wednesday, December 03, 2008
so, med interview in thirteen hours.
yayness.
i feel like i should prep.
but i don't know where to start
or if my heart's really in it.
i feel kinda bad though.
2078 people put med as their first preference.
about 3000 had it as a preference at all.
and somehow i'm in the top 500
and doubting whether i want this.
me? a doctor?
everything i know i learnt from scrubs.
i'm scared.
because i don't know if this is where i'm supposed to be
but how do you give up on the only thing you ever dreamed of?
medicine, if we're continuing with the relationship metaphors.
is the best friend who you never really felt you deserved,
but who still gives you opportunities
and a chance to redeem yourself,
and you feel guilty for wanting to say no,
so you don't.
you keep going until they reject you
because you don't want to hurt them.
okay, jess. enough with the metaphors.
"being a doctor is about learning to deal with the unexpected."
thank you j.d.
what if i panic again?
but i'm not alone this time.
i'm not on foreign territory.
i have aditi who will be calm.
and i will steal her tranquillity.
and...what if i see a certain someone?
what if i'm out of luck and can't keep running from the past?
i'll curse gay.
sigh.
i think this is proof i want it.
i wasn't scared about bond because i didn't want it.
but...monash is my last hope.
it's this or nothing.
and i have to pray that, for once in my life, i'm good enough.
I CAN DO THIS.
i owned the umat.
i can talk.
i am sociable.
i am happy.
i am strong.
i am confident in who i am.
i am a compulsive liar.
okay, i lied with the last one.
i believe that no matter what you do,
you can't hurt me from where you are,
so emotionally distant, so far away,
no ties between us, your name no longer
inducing fear, the thought of you
no longer confronting, and i'm safe here,
secure in my past, in my present, and you,
you're not in my future, i know that,
and knowledge is power, liberation,
and a million reasons not to go back to you.
well, i said i'd write a poem a day
and even if that sucks ass
i've done it.
peace out and God bless.
lovelove, jess xxxx
Labels: aditi, chemistry, freedom, friends, holidays, medicine, poetry, rambling, summer